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The Bang Bang Theories

What’s On My Lips

I’m mad at me, Reader, because I let social media convince me that my enjoyment of pumpkin spice everything was for basic bitchez and so for the past few years I’ve told myself I must be wrong if all of the world thinks pumpkin spice is so yesterday’s flavor and denied it for myself as a Fall Favorite.

Because obvi it’s overrated. I mean, last year I drove by and saw a quicky oil change place offering pumpkin spice oil changes just go get in on the action, and that’s when I really knew it had to be over.

And then this year I said to myself EFF ALL THAT, the first time I ever enjoyed a Starbucks Pumpkin Spiced Latte, I heard the herald of angels and stardust fell from the sky. I HEART PUMPKIN SPICE and if that’s BASIC then BRING ME ALL THE BASIC, BITCHEZ. Right into my mouth, thank you.

And on the first day of Summer Is Over, I promptly went to the store to put some Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer in my buggy.

Except I was in for a little bit of a shock.

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice creamer? Was priced at $5.99.

What. In. The. What.

THANKS, BIDEN* and PUTIN* for making delicious coffee creamer unaffordable!

*We sarcastically sneer “THANKS BIDEN and/or PUTIN” whenever we’re annoyed with inflation because 1. he probably is to blame and 2. we’re mocking the Trumpety-trumpers who you know are shouting that every. single. time and 3. i’ll still take $6 coffee creamer over one more day of trump as president because i hate to hear any of the jumbled bullshit that comes out of his mouth, pussy-grabbing a-hole. 

So I couldn’t do it, Reader.

I couldn’t buy $6 coffee creamer, especially considering that I mostly drink my coffee like I like my men, weak and lukewarm, I mean like Idris Idelba or however you spell his name. The version of him in that movie The Mountain Between Us version. I drink my coffee like that usually.

But since Idris isn’t here to serve me coffee in bed and it’s Fall in the North, I’ll gladly embrace Pumpkin Spice creamer, and how bad can the not-offensively-priced Aldi version be, anyway? Because I’m not shelling out six large for the Starbucks brand. Nope. Not ever. I have standards. And that crosses them.

Reader. No bueno is how bad it can be. There’s very little of the pumpkin or the spice flavoring in their $3.49 version.

So when My Mister made a trip to the other store I broke down and asked if he could get me the $6 Starbucks version so I could make the most of my Fall mornings.

Except that store didn’t carry it, so he called and asked if I’d like the $5 Dunkin’ Donuts version and I eagerly said yes to the dress.

And then THAT version was neither spice nor pumpkin-ie enough to honor Fall with my mouth and I was still let down, and now I’m up to $8.50 in sub-par coffee creamers when I wouldn’t just buy the $6 creamer from the beginning and also I’m a financial wizard like that.

But now I’m committed, so the next time I went out, my heart cringed just a little but I put that $5.99 Starbucks coffee creamer in my basket and this is now why it looks like I need a Pumpkin Spice intervention when you open my fridge and my how far I’ve fallen from my mornings of hot and black unfettered coffee because now I want all the creamers again, next stop Almond Joy.

I had so successfully weaned myself off of sugary flavored coffees, but now I’m back, and also out of fiscal responsibility I’ve got to drink this $14.50 worth of creamers.

Did the Starbucks live up to the hype and the price? Well, yes and no. It is a far superior flavor compared with the other two. But no, I do not hear angels trumpets nor does glitter fall from the sky. In fact, I added just a little shake of pumpkin pie spice to it this morning to jooje it up a little bit more and probably I need to work on inventing my own version next, which should only cost me $542 in trial-and-error ingredients, so it just makes good financial sense.

My door is open should you need help with budget planning. You can pay me in coffee creamers.


Positive Vibe-ing

Gooooood Morning, Reader! I’m hoping this post finds you feeling just ducky today, which I’m not even sure that that means. How do we even know how ducks feel?

Regardless, here we are, hoping you are feeling excited and inspired today!

You can see right here, from this opening, that my outdoor-cold-AF meditation morning routine DOES, in fact, pay off.

Being as it’s Saturday morn and I have the luxury of time, I sat outside drinking up the few beams of sunshine along with my coffee, breathing in the brisk air and getting my mind right for the day listening to not one, but two morning messages.

I’m going go be honest, I still feel like a nutzo when I’m out there repeating my Stuart Smalley mantras. This morning I found myself kinda half-whispering at first, and then I threw my fuckitz to the wind and started saying them like I mean them because number one, not another single person is out there hanging around because it’s cold. That’s enough reason, there is no number two.

Cake showed up at my door one morning this week, as if I had mantra-ed it right into existence, and maybe I did, because the heart wants what the heart wants, and so does the mouth.

I know that I willed this into my life because the very weekend before this cake magically appeared I put out into the vortex, “I really want to make and eat a Ding Dong Cake,” and then I went to the grocery store and bought all the ingredients.

Except I didn’t make and eat a Ding Dong Cake that weekend, because I was lamenting to My Mister that I’ve gained 6 lbs. since I started dieting in January. His reply?

My Mister: “I have three words to explain why. Ding Dong Cake.”

And he literally Ding Dong Cake Shamed me, so I didn’t make one.

But then! My rockets of desire were already launched into the Vortex, and one showed up at my doorstep:

Yes, that’s officially a single-serving size piece that was eaten right out of the pan, so quickly I didn’t even get a photo of it before it was chomped into. I know you’re reading that without judgement, because we’re a no-judging zone, right, Reader? Right.

My friendie made this cake and it was so delicious she just knew I needed it in my mouf, and door dashed it to my doorstep. It was nice to see a friendie face again, I miss socializing. I miss having activities and cheese and wine at my house. When it’s not just me and the cats. I’m still drinking wine and eating cheese by myself, it’s crazy talk to think that’s stopped, however now I have to finish a bottle of wine myself. Which I frankly rarely do, to be honest, so there’s a lot of wasted wine going on over here, which is a petty crime against grapes.

No, I don’t have that cake recipe, but I do need to get that. Because I also had a virtual appointment with my dr. this past week, and she specifically told me I can have cake if I want it, just be mindful of a portion size, and well, I think I did a good job with that because this cake lasted four whole days before it was gone, so good job, Me.

My doctor is a new doctor to me and we had a good discussion and she recommended I try intermittent fasting, and so I started that. And I can have cake within my 8-hour eating window if I want it, and frankly this is the diet of my dreams. One big change I had to make was learning to love drinking my coffee black in the morning, and that is a small change to make if cake and wine and cheese is able to remain in my mouth.

The coffee thing wasn’t nearly as difficult of a change to make as it could have been, I had weaned myself off of flavored coffee creamer over the past year. I never thought I’d be happy without my Almond Joy Coffee creamer, yet here I am, happy without it. So I was already switched to just cream, and now it wasn’t even a hard switch to black this week. It’s fine. Tastes can change and adapt.

So my four days of 16-hour fasting has resulted in a 3 lb. weight loss, and that’s with eating all the cake. I don’t want to get cocky about it, so we’ll leave it there for the moment, until I have a pattern of results, but I’m hopeful that my rockets have been launched and are allowing me to lose weight while having my cake and eating it, too.

Be careful intentional in what you wish for, Reader.

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