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The Bang Bang Theories

Takes The Cake

My friend celebrated a birthday at the beginning of the month. No, you don’t need to know how old he is (sssshhhhh….he’s officially an old man but don’t tell him that! also, I know he reads this so haha).

A few years ago he and I went out for lunch and while we were sitting at lunch, I asked him when his birthday was.

His nonchalant and also smug response?  “Today.”

I mean, who does that, Reader?? Who wouldn’t say, when you’re making lunch plans, “that date sounds great, it’s also my birthday!” to give someone a heads-up to at least get a card.

Someone who gets a pay back some day, that’s who, Reader.

Since his birthday happens to fall on Groundhog Day, I haven’t forgotten it since, which says a lot because basically I have a super tough time planning in advance for birthdays. My intentions are always better than my execution. With a lot of things, frankly. Take today, for example. I had big plans to have a lot of tidying done around here because I’m having a couple of friendies over for dinner tomorrow, yet here I sit with not one finger lifted yet, and at the rate I’m finishing up the wine that was opened, it’s going to be a surprise to myself what I actually accomplish tonight. Again, intentions exceed execution.

Fast forward to his birthday this year.


My car had a flat tire so I set My Mister off on a caking for this birthday – he had errands to run on that Friday and I was busy working –  and I was picking the birthday boy up for lunch the following day.

My Mister was given good direction by Trixie the Cake Expert of what to get from one of my favorite local bakeries.

  • Chocolate.
  • Not too feminine in decoration.

That was basically it. I mean, what else is there to say.

So he found a really good cake.

Do you remember that time where I mentioned I’m doing intermittent fasting?

It’s important to remember that right now.

Because it was Friday night and I was in bed, waiting for My Mister to come home from his job.

And I started thinking about that cake, sitting out there all alone in the kitchen.

Feeling unloved.

And I was hungry, because it was well into my fasting hours. I mean, technically it was only four hours into my 16-hour fasting hours, so barely past dinner, but ssshhhhh….Trixie knew there was cake, so close and yet so far away.

She got up to take a look at it. Arguing with herself that she could always just pick up another one on the way out to pick up the birthday boy. And also, he kinda deserves it if she eats a piece in advance anyway, due to the birthday lunch trickery he pulled on her that one time.

It made total sense.

Trixie stood over that cake for a good minute, her fork poised. Knowing once the first fork went in, we were committed to it at that point.

Guess what happened next, Reader?

“Trixie realized this is not the way to intermittent fast, nor is it acceptable to eat a cake you purchased for your friend! and so Trixie put the fork back in the drawer and went back to bed.”

Or another scenario possibly unfolded.

“Trixie stood over that cake, then began singing softly, “Happy birthdayyyy to you…..happpyyy birthdayyyyyy to youuuuuuuu” as she forked into that cake and shoveled a bite right into her cakehole.”

Need we say more? A picture’s worth all the words or something like that, Reader.

My Mister came home as I was eating this very delicious birthday cake.

Him, asking as he came in the front door and could see the light on in the kitchen, “What are you doing up??”

TrixieBB: “Something I should be ashamed about.”

Once he rounded the corner and assessed the cake damages, he decided to fork into it, too, and we both enjoyed Choo’s birthday cake, a day early.

Well, not just both of us. Kitty Purry had some frosting, too.

I considered bringing a half-eaten cake to the birthday boy.  My Mister told me that was even more unacceptable than eating his cake in the first place.

The following day, on the way out to see him, I picked up another cake.

They didn’t have any chocolate, they had strawberry, which was fine, but I assured the birthday boy that the cake we enjoyed the night before was far better. Just so he knows, I bought him a really good cake.

And this is really how I like to enjoy other people’s birthdays, Reader. Eating their cakes. And then eating their replacement cakes with them. And then taking the remainder of the cake home because the birthday boy is dieting. It was the birthday cakes that kept on giving. To me, Reader. Happy Your Birthday to me. 






Positive Vibe-ing

Gooooood Morning, Reader! I’m hoping this post finds you feeling just ducky today, which I’m not even sure that that means. How do we even know how ducks feel?

Regardless, here we are, hoping you are feeling excited and inspired today!

You can see right here, from this opening, that my outdoor-cold-AF meditation morning routine DOES, in fact, pay off.

Being as it’s Saturday morn and I have the luxury of time, I sat outside drinking up the few beams of sunshine along with my coffee, breathing in the brisk air and getting my mind right for the day listening to not one, but two morning messages.

I’m going go be honest, I still feel like a nutzo when I’m out there repeating my Stuart Smalley mantras. This morning I found myself kinda half-whispering at first, and then I threw my fuckitz to the wind and started saying them like I mean them because number one, not another single person is out there hanging around because it’s cold. That’s enough reason, there is no number two.

Cake showed up at my door one morning this week, as if I had mantra-ed it right into existence, and maybe I did, because the heart wants what the heart wants, and so does the mouth.

I know that I willed this into my life because the very weekend before this cake magically appeared I put out into the vortex, “I really want to make and eat a Ding Dong Cake,” and then I went to the grocery store and bought all the ingredients.

Except I didn’t make and eat a Ding Dong Cake that weekend, because I was lamenting to My Mister that I’ve gained 6 lbs. since I started dieting in January. His reply?

My Mister: “I have three words to explain why. Ding Dong Cake.”

And he literally Ding Dong Cake Shamed me, so I didn’t make one.

But then! My rockets of desire were already launched into the Vortex, and one showed up at my doorstep:

Yes, that’s officially a single-serving size piece that was eaten right out of the pan, so quickly I didn’t even get a photo of it before it was chomped into. I know you’re reading that without judgement, because we’re a no-judging zone, right, Reader? Right.

My friendie made this cake and it was so delicious she just knew I needed it in my mouf, and door dashed it to my doorstep. It was nice to see a friendie face again, I miss socializing. I miss having activities and cheese and wine at my house. When it’s not just me and the cats. I’m still drinking wine and eating cheese by myself, it’s crazy talk to think that’s stopped, however now I have to finish a bottle of wine myself. Which I frankly rarely do, to be honest, so there’s a lot of wasted wine going on over here, which is a petty crime against grapes.

No, I don’t have that cake recipe, but I do need to get that. Because I also had a virtual appointment with my dr. this past week, and she specifically told me I can have cake if I want it, just be mindful of a portion size, and well, I think I did a good job with that because this cake lasted four whole days before it was gone, so good job, Me.

My doctor is a new doctor to me and we had a good discussion and she recommended I try intermittent fasting, and so I started that. And I can have cake within my 8-hour eating window if I want it, and frankly this is the diet of my dreams. One big change I had to make was learning to love drinking my coffee black in the morning, and that is a small change to make if cake and wine and cheese is able to remain in my mouth.

The coffee thing wasn’t nearly as difficult of a change to make as it could have been, I had weaned myself off of flavored coffee creamer over the past year. I never thought I’d be happy without my Almond Joy Coffee creamer, yet here I am, happy without it. So I was already switched to just cream, and now it wasn’t even a hard switch to black this week. It’s fine. Tastes can change and adapt.

So my four days of 16-hour fasting has resulted in a 3 lb. weight loss, and that’s with eating all the cake. I don’t want to get cocky about it, so we’ll leave it there for the moment, until I have a pattern of results, but I’m hopeful that my rockets have been launched and are allowing me to lose weight while having my cake and eating it, too.

Be careful intentional in what you wish for, Reader.

How We Do It

I worked really hard on my Vitamin D today, Reader.

It was hard work, because we had intermittent rain showers and I had to plan my pool time carefully and effectively to strategically maximize the sun.

All my corporate experience really came into good use today.

I have also been hyper-focused on HYDRATION, Reader, because it’s important to get your insides as wet as your outsides. I think that’s how the saying goes. If that’s not a saying maybe I need to embroider it on a pillow so it feels like an official statement.

So I worked on wetting my insides and outsides today.

A co-worker gave me a tip about drinking coconut water for a good dose  of potassium and really good interior wetting, so I’ve been adding that to my mouth plan and yes, I have an official Mouth Plan, everyone does, Reader it’s absolutely not something I just made up. Other sections of my Mouth Plan today included finding a cake and shoving a slice in there, so I went out and hunted one from the Publix and just enjoyed a little Red Velvet.

Last Monday I had made a proclamation to go sugar-free for 30 days, but then on Friday I thought that’s silly, what if I die on day 25 and completely have missed opportunities for cake based on some rule I imposed on myself, so I had a little Klondike bar yesterday and a slice of cake moments ago because otherwise death might win and no one wants that.

That’s how we fight death over here in Florida, Reader. We eat the cake.

You know what else is super fun about Florida? Well, since you asked, I’ll tell you.

All the street names.

They are just fun and make me happy.

I can drive down Avocado Road, to Pineapple Way, to Palm Leaf Drive.  I work on Hibiscus, which is a section of streets in Edgewater that are named in alphabetical order so there’s Hibiscus and Indigo Palm and Juniper and Kumquat and Lime Tree and Mango…well, you get the idea.

So basically you could give directions to take a left at Mango and head to Pineapple and then merge onto Avocado and there you are.

Of course I don’t live on a fun street name like that, but I do have a fun address. 1000 is my mailing address, which is interesting because back in Cle my mailing address is 6000. So something about the triple zeros pulls me to ’em.  Maybe that’s only interesting to me, but you know the rule, Reader: if it’s in my head, it belongs in yours, too.

You’re welcome for all the things I don’t actually tell you.

It’s time for bed, or else I’d tell you more, but let’s close out on the day and get a good night’s rest so we can GET IT tomorrow.  I bought some new vitamins and I am excited to try one out tomorrow morning. I want to see how much pep they put in my step.  My couzin swears by it, and I always take advice unless it involves something I don’t want to do.

Also, it’s a clear sign you’re not 25 anymore when you’re excited for morning to try out a new vitamin. Oh, the things we look forward to, Reader.  Hope you have some bright spots this week!


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