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The Bang Bang Theories

This is Me Trying.

So here we go.

I have been spending the past few weeks listening to positive messaging about realigning my vibration to JOY, abundance and attracting all of those things I desire that are just out there floating around in this great big world waiting for me to get the shit out of my own way and finally claim what it is I want and the Universe will open up it’s great doors and just dump it right on my head. Or in my lap. It’s getting dumped on me, once I am open to defining what I want, practicing JOY until it’s just my nature, and then attracting it right to me.

All of this manifesting happens first thing in the morning, before the day has had a chance to sour me. I drink my coffee and listen to a variety of manifesting youtubes, primarily Abraham Hicks, but not limited to, in the event you want to follow my lead on a brand new journey of JOY and are clamoring to know what the what I’m doing. I’m not even sure myself most of the time, Reader, but this particular time I do know.

I emphasize the JOY because this is truly what all the messages center around. For those who know me IRL, you may be thinking, “what the heck is ol’ Trixie blabbing about, she’s chock full o’ nuts joy all the time, smiling and being just annoyingly polly-annaing some of the times.

And I am. Mostly.

But sometimes I’m a whole buncha fuck-you-you-fucking-fucks.

With a whole buncha idiot-racist-bigoted-ignorant-dum-dum-dum-fake-christians-this-fucking-fuck-of-a-president-what-the-fuck-do-you-mean-you-support-him-my-god-enough-already-put-your-fucking-mask-on-there-goes-womens-rights-what-the-fuck-is-going-on-in-your-brain fuckery thrown in.

Those have been a lot of the refrains that ramble through my head through a lot of parts of the day.

Mostly this is because of the news and social media, not improved at all by being mostly still sequestered at Chez Bang Bang with a bunch of wild animals, indoors and out. I’m lacking a lot of interaction with people who bring me JOY and activities that bring me JOY.  Like movies, and concerts, and theater, and travel. The things we are all missing more than half a year into Times of Corona, with truly no end in sight.

So a few weeks ago I just decided to change my vibration and give this morning “meditation” a bit of a go.

And it felt stupid and dumb and oh my God, I’m Stuart Smalley every morning now. If you don’t know Stuart, 1/ we probably can’t be friends anymore and 2/ go. google.

Then. A few weeks in, I started to feel the shift.

Making myself smile for 15 minutes in the morning while I looked up and appreciated the beauty of nature while I sipped my coffee made me more smiley with genuine feelings of appreciation throughout the day.

Even when shit went wrong during the day, which it still does and all the damn time. I have been able to *usually* not get mired down in it, or snap out of it more quickly than before, and reframe the language in my head with more positive words.

When my beloved little leaky 10-year old convertible got sopping wet from heavy rain and I didn’t realize it and it grew mold inside like it was it’s job?

That night? Well, instead of the words that were going through my mind of despair, why-me’s-what-next-haven’t-I-suffered-enough (in my first world problems way), well, I just wiped it off, went to meet my friendie and told myself, “I am so lucky this has an easy solution, I can fix this situation tomorrow because it’s Saturday. Just don’t breathe in right now.” And it’s a good thing I had a mask already, so see there how sometimes life just gives you what you need.

And then that’s what I did. I spent 5 hours the next beautiful Saturday morning scrubbing every last inch with a toothbrush and white distilled vinegar, and I wasn’t even too pissed off about it. It was a thing that happened. And then I fixed it. Mostly. It’s still a work in progress, because why wouldn’t it be, but mostly it’s good and now my car has a really fresh smell of fair-food-french-fries-with-vinegar. That’s what I’m telling myself. My Mister claims it smells like A1 steak sauce in there. It’s a Volkswagen marinade.

I’m only giving that example as to one way my morning meditations have helped. It’s working. A least a bit.

We’re not skipping through life, every day is not blue bonnets and rainbows, but mostly I’m feeling more JOY even when shit is still shit. I’m more smiley. Less doomsday. Things will work out, they generally do. Not always, sometimes the worst happens, but I get to control my attitude about it.

I also get to control the influences I surround myself with, and bring more of the JOYFUL ones towards me, and push away all the bullshit I don’t want crowding my world.

And that’s how I got to the first swatch of cleaning up my social media. If you don’t bring me JOY, if I don’t really know you, if I’ve realized I don’t like knowing you, if I think you’re morally bankrupt and I’d never like to know you again, if we met randomly and somehow we’re now “friends,” if we are probably never going to actually get together IRL again, what are we doing here – well, those were the first, second, third and fourth passes I made cleaning up what I surround myself with. It’s called your Friends list. Not “People Who You Kinda Now Think Are Gross, People Who Annoy You, People You Wanna Punch in the Throat, People You Met Once, People You Would Never Have a Drinkie With” list. So I started to clean it, just like my car, with a little toothbrush and some distilled vinegar to scrub off the dark spots first.

It felt scary, and I was nervous to take such a drastic-in-my-mind-only step. The grip of social media is ridiculous, and real. I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings. And then I got right-minded. No one’s feelings are going to be hurt by me and social media. Not now, not ever. I don’t have that kind of power. Then, it started to feel good. It felt freeing. That’s when I went deeper with my cleaning.

Now? I’m seeing new things and new people in my newsfeed. Things I like more.  I’m not clicking on political stuff because I don’t want more of that showing up in my feed – I need to change my algorithm. Believe me, it’s difficult to not Like or Share something I believe, too. But no one cares that much. The people who view my shit have their minds made up, and nothing I post is going to sway them one way or another. Not one fact, not one question, not one piece of valid information.  No one cares about my cute-cute-cute pictures of my kittehs, either, but that’s too bad, go clean up your own list and unfriend me, you’re a barbarian if you don’t want this in your newsfeed:

Yes, he put himself to bed like that yesterday. He adorably burrowed under the blanket pile and that’s why he got to shit on me and suffered no repercussions other than being spoken to very sternly.

That’s where we are right now, Reader. Focused on JOY. And changing our algorithm to bring more of what we like and desire into our worlds. Life is unpredictably short. So do what you can to make it deep, joyful and meaningful.

**I was out this evening and when I came home, that cute cute kitteh pictured above jumped on the table in my foyer and proceeded to pee on the floor, then when I hastily tossed him out the front door to finish his pee train, he pooped on the outdoor rug, then my other bad bad kitty peed in the foyer, because why not this is where we go now, and I think I saw a million-legger in the laundry room when I was getting the mop, and I’m going to just ignore and pretend I didn’t see it so I can actually sleep tonight, and let me just say THANK GOD I’VE BEEN MEDITATING OR I WOULD MURDER THINGS. Shew. See. Balanced and JOYFUL. 


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