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The Bang Bang Theories

What’s On My Lips

I’m mad at me, Reader, because I let social media convince me that my enjoyment of pumpkin spice everything was for basic bitchez and so for the past few years I’ve told myself I must be wrong if all of the world thinks pumpkin spice is so yesterday’s flavor and denied it for myself as a Fall Favorite.

Because obvi it’s overrated. I mean, last year I drove by and saw a quicky oil change place offering pumpkin spice oil changes just go get in on the action, and that’s when I really knew it had to be over.

And then this year I said to myself EFF ALL THAT, the first time I ever enjoyed a Starbucks Pumpkin Spiced Latte, I heard the herald of angels and stardust fell from the sky. I HEART PUMPKIN SPICE and if that’s BASIC then BRING ME ALL THE BASIC, BITCHEZ. Right into my mouth, thank you.

And on the first day of Summer Is Over, I promptly went to the store to put some Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer in my buggy.

Except I was in for a little bit of a shock.

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice creamer? Was priced at $5.99.

What. In. The. What.

THANKS, BIDEN* and PUTIN* for making delicious coffee creamer unaffordable!

*We sarcastically sneer “THANKS BIDEN and/or PUTIN” whenever we’re annoyed with inflation because 1. he probably is to blame and 2. we’re mocking the Trumpety-trumpers who you know are shouting that every. single. time and 3. i’ll still take $6 coffee creamer over one more day of trump as president because i hate to hear any of the jumbled bullshit that comes out of his mouth, pussy-grabbing a-hole. 

So I couldn’t do it, Reader.

I couldn’t buy $6 coffee creamer, especially considering that I mostly drink my coffee like I like my men, weak and lukewarm, I mean like Idris Idelba or however you spell his name. The version of him in that movie The Mountain Between Us version. I drink my coffee like that usually.

But since Idris isn’t here to serve me coffee in bed and it’s Fall in the North, I’ll gladly embrace Pumpkin Spice creamer, and how bad can the not-offensively-priced Aldi version be, anyway? Because I’m not shelling out six large for the Starbucks brand. Nope. Not ever. I have standards. And that crosses them.

Reader. No bueno is how bad it can be. There’s very little of the pumpkin or the spice flavoring in their $3.49 version.

So when My Mister made a trip to the other store I broke down and asked if he could get me the $6 Starbucks version so I could make the most of my Fall mornings.

Except that store didn’t carry it, so he called and asked if I’d like the $5 Dunkin’ Donuts version and I eagerly said yes to the dress.

And then THAT version was neither spice nor pumpkin-ie enough to honor Fall with my mouth and I was still let down, and now I’m up to $8.50 in sub-par coffee creamers when I wouldn’t just buy the $6 creamer from the beginning and also I’m a financial wizard like that.

But now I’m committed, so the next time I went out, my heart cringed just a little but I put that $5.99 Starbucks coffee creamer in my basket and this is now why it looks like I need a Pumpkin Spice intervention when you open my fridge and my how far I’ve fallen from my mornings of hot and black unfettered coffee because now I want all the creamers again, next stop Almond Joy.

I had so successfully weaned myself off of sugary flavored coffees, but now I’m back, and also out of fiscal responsibility I’ve got to drink this $14.50 worth of creamers.

Did the Starbucks live up to the hype and the price? Well, yes and no. It is a far superior flavor compared with the other two. But no, I do not hear angels trumpets nor does glitter fall from the sky. In fact, I added just a little shake of pumpkin pie spice to it this morning to jooje it up a little bit more and probably I need to work on inventing my own version next, which should only cost me $542 in trial-and-error ingredients, so it just makes good financial sense.

My door is open should you need help with budget planning. You can pay me in coffee creamers.


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