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The Bang Bang Theories

Peep Show

Before the Pandemic broke loose, we were getting Fancy at Chez Bang Bang.

In addition to buying our fancy coffee maker, we also laid out a hunny for one of those fancy doorbells with a camera.

Mostly because we wanted to more closely monitor the comings and goings of our Outdoor Kitty who happens to live in a raccoons body, Taco.

I’m actually going to start an insta page for Taco so she can be on the ‘gram, as we are learning a lot about her likes and dislikes…

likes: short walks around the neighborhood, chocolate cake, meatball sandwiches

dislikes: potato peels, lettuce, pierogies

…and frankly we are being selfish hogging her from the world.

Also, as her parents, we really need to get her home cleaned up out there. We just bought a rake to get it under control as the weather is supposed to break this week. And since we’re going on lock-down as of midnight, we might as well do some stuff around here.

So we bought a video doorbell because I thought it would be nice if Taco could let us know when she was in the neighborhood and could ring for her breakie and dinner.  I mean, I was totally caught off guard by her the other morning and had to quickly throw a donut out to her and I’m not even sure if she got to enjoy it or if the birds got to it first. Either way, someone ate it, but I would just like to know her schedule a bit better so we can cater to the needs of the wildish racoon kitty who lives in the ravine. Because that’s normal behavior.

What I’ve discovered about myself from having a video doorbell is that I can’t stop making dirty videos when I’m out on the porch.

It all started with a simple boob-shake to – wait for it – titillate My Mister – you know, a quickie, unexpected peep show. Because I’m sure everyone does it; again, normal behavior.

But then! One night it turned into a full-on pants-down good ol’ fashioned mooning, and HandyDan nearly feel off the stoop when he realized I actually was pulling my pants down from the behind parts and giving it a little shimmy for the camera.

I blame Shakira and J Lo for their half-time show. I’m certain after that exhibition, all the fiddy-and-up ladies out there are just putting on mini peep shows for their doorbells. Right? Tell me I’m right, Reader.

The saddest part of this whole story is that #1/ My yard needs hella lotta raking and my hands are already forming blisters just thinking about it and #2/ My mini peep shows have gone mostly unnoticed and almost totally unappreciated by My Mister.

So the only course of action I can take is to keep it up, and to give it even MORE, which is exactly what I intend to do until someone screams Uncle! which will probably be our neighbors, but let’s face facts, that wouldn’t be the first time they’ve probably seen things they don’t want to see. I have convinced myself my deck is an isolated oasis and prance around their nekkid most of the summer, but only for HEALTH REASONS, Reader, because I need to maximize my Vitamin D. Sheesh. You act like that’s unusual behavior.


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