domo arigato look what i-bota

Good Morning, Reader! Or Good Some Other Time, if you’re not up and at ’em like ol’ Trixie Bang Bang seems to be lately, at the crack-of-oh-my-Garth-it’s-early!

For some reason I’ve been an Early Riser, which I know, I know, goes totally against who I am as a human being. But yet here I sit.

I’ve already Accomplished Things Today, and am highly considering throwing on my pants and going to the gym by 9 a.m. I think this is exactly like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and I’ve been snatched by something not me.

I’ve been running back and forth to my office and have even decided that today is the day to put everything in it’s place up there.  No more messing around.

 

You know what else isn’t messing around, Reader?

Wine. That’s what.

I drink …. ahem … on occasion. I mean not really as much as I may get credit for, actually. I’m not a huge drinker, especially at home, save for the few rumsy’s and cokesy’s that help me power through cleaning or inspire* my creativity.

*inspire is open to interpretation

But then I was at Target, which was a surprise in itself – wait, that’s wrong as I’m tying it! I was at WALMART, which is more like it because I’m unemployed! – sheesh, Me, that was only a few days ago and I had it that confused for even a second?? I’m starting to get a little worried that I’m losing brain cells at an alarming rate due to thinking inertia.

Anyhow, I hee-hawed around the wine department, thinking I’d like a little sumpin’ in the fridgie, and spotted the Bota Box of wine, which is equivalent to FOUR bottles of wine, by the way, in case you’re counting, Reader.

While I was in the haw part of the heeing and hawing, a very confused-looking guy said, “You seem to know a little about wine, can you tell me which ones have the screw top? We don’t have a corkscrew.”

Long story longer, I couldn’t really tell which had a screw top, but I think Barefoot brand does, but then it looked like everything else all foiled up so I couldn’t say with certainty. Here’s the longer part of the story: His girlfriend had sent him for a bottle of Reisling, and he wanted a giant bottle to “get her drunk, hee hee haw haw hee hee” – he literally said, “I want to get her drunk” and then laughed like he was joking but we both know, Reader, it was not a joke. But hey, I’m not here to judge motives? I was there to help him find the right wine to get the job done.

Since he knew nothing about wine, I told him if she wanted Reisling because of the sweetness, not all Reisling’s are created equally and that sweetness can’t be guaranteed. He ended up calling her and we Facetimed together, because why now, we’re in the middle of the wine aisle at Walnuts, so we became friends.

I could hear a couple of kids screeching around in the background.

We decided the safest bet for her was a moscato, since it’s guaranteed sweet, and the guy was super happy as it was a giant bottle under $12 and I stuck a corkscrew in his hand as an aside, and told him to be a Boyscout from now on and always be prepared.

And that’s how I managed to keep a four-bottles-worth of wine box in my own cart, because I was worn out from choosing her wine instead. This shouldn’t pose a problem, except see how it sits right next to my water container? And when I’d normally reach in to get some water, now I have super-easy options, and one even has a little pour spout so I don’t even have to lug anything OUT of the fridge?

Guess which option I’ve been choosing more often, Reader?

You’ll never guess.

If you guessed the wine option, you would be correct, Reader. If you did guess correctly, leave me a comment with your address and you’ll get a surprise prize in the mail. Because remember how I mentioned I’m going to clean out my office? That shitz gotta go somewhere.