Last night I protected my friendie’s vagina from a very aggressive poltergeist.
You are probably now thinking just how boring your own Saturday night is by comparison.
Before you come down too hard on yourself for failing on the weekend, know that all that poltergeist-ing and vagina protecting was really just in a very vivid dream, which also makes me think I’d better lay off the two-beers + Benedryl at night.
However. I do want the credit for protecting my friendie’s virtue EVEN IN MY SLEEP, because I’m that good of a friend.
I was NOT going to let some poltergeist cast a spell on her, rendering her in a sleeping-beauty kinda sleep and THEN try to see what she has going on under her wears. I grabbed up a wedding dress hoop/slip thing and shimmied her into it because obviously that is the ONLY way to protect a girls virtue from a phantom. 
The poltergeist sat there very dejected at his defeat.
I woke up feeling very noble and virtuous and also like the best friend ever because I took on a poltergeist and won. Because I care about the unsullying of vaginas. Unless you want your vagina sullied. We’re a no-judgement zone, remember, Reader.
Let’s just say that yes, this is a real and active friendie I have. It may have been YOU, Reader. You’re very lucky to have me, in case I haven’t told you that recently.
No one cares more about keeping your vagina safe from a poltergeist like I do. You’re welcome.
Nutty as usual. We ARE lucky to have such a dear friend.