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The Bang Bang Theories

Cracked Under Pressure

So we’re not going to meet the goal of an entry a day. Guess what other goal we’re not going to meet this month, Reader? I’ll give you a hint, sounds like ~pulls on earlobe~  “shit gup ferly and twerk shout.” 

Yeah. So that apparently isn’t going to happen while it’s 62 cold degrees in my house at 6 a.m. That’s the reason. The only thing stopping me from success. 

Of course, I could program the thermostat to kick in around 5:30 a.m., but it’s tricky and would require me to read small print and stuff, so I’ll just wait til it warms up outside.  Or something.

I say “or something” because my friendie and I finally officially booked our yearly trip, and I have a scant few weeks to get bikini-ready*. 

I’d been doing suck-ins like crazy, but between you and me, I don’t think they were really doing much good. 

I know, I’m surprised, too! 

I really thought we were on to something, Reader, and had stumbled upon the next fitness craze.  

The only thing that happened for sure was my jeans were tighter in the waist, and I think I gained two pounds, but I attributed that to “muscle weighs more than fat” but I’m starting to think it was just too many cakes.  I mean, I had baked a cake from scratch during Cakecrastination Sunday a couple of weeks back, and while I ate almost the entire thing over the course of several days … ahem…. I mean, those calories were spaced out.  You’d think that the careful spacing would make them airier and lighter and almost like they weren’t even there, like they’d float up into the atmosphere or something. 

That’s what I thought might happen. 

Instead my pants were just a tich uncomfortably snug.  And by a tich I mean, “for the love of cake, I can’t wait to get these off!” and when I finally did get the blessed relief of de-pantsing myself at home, I noticed the seams in the butt were a little on the “pulled thin” side and were just about one big suck-in away from splitting wide open. It’s a good thing I had stopped exercising by then, Reader. It’s a good thing. 

All that pants tightness went at the same place as The Most Embarrassing Story in the History of Stories, of which still only a select few know about, and of which I am of the belief that I may have a Superbowl Peyton Manning Curse on me, so it’s a good thing he’s retiring. 

If you’re wondering just how good this story could be,  it’s so damn good I almost killed someone, that’s how good. With laughter, Reader. And I thought you could only kill someone with kindness. To quote: 

“I laughed so hard, I was out of control, to the point that it was a little scary actually, In 

terms of breathing. I think it may be the funniest thing I ever heard.”

So I’m officially saving that for Trixie Bang Bang: The Awkward Years (aka her whole entire life. so far.), my ebook which has a slim likelihood of ever becoming a reality because frankly I just can’t seem to make the time for it,  and by the way that’s just a made-up-right-now title, so keep your suggestions to yourself unless they are super-good, then send them over. But they had better be really good, Reader. Don’t half-ass it for me. 

Whew. Okay. I got this one out right before midnight, so I have to wrap this up and hit publish or it will look like I didn’t post. And I am, so suck it, Time Stamp.

*bikini-ready really comes down to drinking a lot while I’m in my bathing suit so I end up giving very little fucks what anyone thinks about things. 

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