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The Bang Bang Theories

Dirty Girl

I’ve been sidelined by a cold, Reader. Some sort of sniffling/stuffy-headed disease. Not the flu. 

It came on quite suddenly. One minute I was fine, and about an hour later I was so stuffed up I could barely breath.  

So I bought some OTC (it sounds exotic when I use initials like that, huh?) meds (again, with my hipster shorthand, I am so kul, yo), and started the battle. 

Now, bear with me for this sidebar. But lately – I’m talking in the past six months or so – I’ve been focused on the amount of OTC meds I take, and have been trying to whittle down luxury usage because I want to be kind to my liver. 

I don’t know why I’ve suddenly taken an interest in my liver. I think it has a pretty hard and unglamerous job, just filtering out toxins and stuff, and even repairing itself when we fuck it all up and don’t treat it nicely. Now, I haven’t been out-and-out abusive to Liver, but you know, when shit hurts I usually don’t hesitate to take an Aleve and let’s just admit it, I have a semi-dependency on nighttime pain relievers and I just really love the coma-like sleep they induce. It’s resplendent. 

Except that lately I worry and don’t take anything and instead lie in bed with my artheritis pound-pound-pounding with every heartbeat, and that sucks so I get out of bed and then have to weigh the consquences of taking something too late to be able to get up for work, and so I break them into some sort of little nub to get a little relief, but not a coma-sleep. Your welcome, Liver. 

I can’t remember why this train veered off track. What was I talking about??  Ah, my cold. So anyway. 

This stupid cold wasn’t getting any better, and in fact each day I was getting just a tich worse. To the point that I could hear my chest/nose whistling and rattling while I was trying to sleep, and even a full dose of nighttime bliss pills couldn’t help me sleep through it. 

It was tough nights around Chez Bang Bang.  And then my ear started hurting. 

So yesterday I caved, took a sick day and went to the minute clinic at the local drugstore. I hate an earache almost as much as I hate a sore throat. Maybe more. 

I had a once-over by the nurse practitioner, and it was really quite an easy experience.  She checked out my obviously-infected ear and proclaimed, “You’ve got a lot – a LOT – of dried waxy buildup in there, which is why it hurts.” The pressure from the sinus infection thing was pound-pound-pounding on the ear, and it couldn’t get out because of my filthy, dried, waxy buildup. 

I clean my ears, Reader!!  Every day, as a matter of fact. I cottonswab those motherfuckers as soon as I get out of the shower.  I know, I know – we all know – don’t put a cottonswab in your ear. But that’s what their sole intent is – to be put in an ear!! So obviously, I’ve just been packing that wax down instead of cleaning it out and now it is a hotmess.

I was told to use Debrox for 5 to 7 days and then if it doesn’t dislodge I have to go in and have it yanked out. 

WTF, Reader. I just get more and more disgusting in all sorts of little hidden nooks and crannies. 

Upon picking up my supplies from the drugstore – which included a prescription antibiotic (I apologize, Liver), some Ibuprofin (again, Liver, it’s doctor’s orders, not mine!), some Mucinix (but not the stuff that dries you out, apparently that’s bad and you need the stuff that thins, not dries – and that’s just another gross part of me), and my earwax dissolver kit – I relayed my diagnosis to My Mister. 

As I was putting all my supplies up on the counter to purchase, I had an empty plastic bottle from some Sobe water I had enjoyed while waiting for my appointment. I paid for it, and then pondered keeping the now-empty bottle for, “Later.” 

My Mister’s responded, “Who are you becoming, a nasty wax-filled-ears hoarder who hangs onto empty plastic bottles??” 

Yes, apparently yes. I’ve become a nasty-wax-earred hoarder who collects empty plastic bottles.  Would you like my autograph now, or after I turn up on a t.v. show?

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