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The Bang Bang Theories

Take The ARD Out

Sunday morning I was scanning the tube and saw Michelle Obama being interviewed by a slouchy dude on BET. He wasn’t hunkered-down slouchy, more of the leaning-to-the-left slouchy. Perhaps his posture was supporting the First Lady. It looked more like he was trying out pick-up lines in a Jo Cool sort of way. 

Not normally the channel I land on, but I decided to stick for a while and see what was what. 

All was going fine, not a lot of in-depth stuff going on – tell me about Barack as a husband/father, your family faith, your platform of making the fatty fat American’s not as fat.  

I was there, cool with it all for what it was. 

And then he said the stupidest fucking thing I’ve heard in a long time.  Paraphrasing, as I can’t recount word-for-word, but the gist was:  “You’re the First Lady. When people think of the First Lady, they think of the standard that’s being set.”

The First Lady is the Standard. – that part was fine. 

It was this part – not paraphrasing – that sat me upright, right up off of the cozy pillows of the hotel bed I was lounging away Sunday morning in: “And if you take the A-R-D out of Standard, you know what that stands for? A Righteous Dimension.” 

And then his left shoulder slouched down a little lower and he sort of smirked while proclaiming A Righteous Dimension a few more times. 

I’ll let that soak in for a moment, Reader. 

He said that. To the First Lady. Just plucking some letters out of a word and making up some shit. 

A Righteous Dimension lightly agreed with a “ummmmm hmmm” and a head nod. 

What her response should have been? “What. The fuck.  Are you even talking about?!” 

And my vote for her husband would have been cast immediately.  

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