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The Bang Bang Theories

Pants On Fire Part I

Seems I’ve become a bit of a liar. I wish I could deny it, but the facts stand in the way. I lie about the quantity of cats in the house. Depending upon who’s asking, I lie about my name. The lies are off my tongue before I can stop ’em.

Episode 1:

AT&T Guy came to the house over the summer to fix our DSL. He’s in our house. Two cats, Twink and Girlie, came sniffing around.
AT&T Guy asks, “How many cats do you have?”
I respond, “Two.” Timmy got whiplash doing a double-take at the blatentness of the lie. I got the shoulder shrug and the mouthed “What the Fuck??” from him over that.

I had to come clean on that lie when the job took far, far longer than anticipated. AT&T Guy was in the house so long (over 2 hours, I believe) that the other cats got brave and started peeking out from around the corner. One by one they began to emerge from the deep recesses of the back bedroom from which they can be safe from Stranger Danger, and I knew the jig was up.

In a panic I blurted, “I LIED! I have FIVE cats, not TWO!” There was really no use lying, four cats were flanking his feet by that point.
Lesson Learned: Don’t lie about the number of pets you have to someone who is spending time IN YOUR HOUSE.

Episode 2:

Wal*Mart Checker Dude inquired, “Do you have a lot of cats, or do they just poop a lot?” when I was stocking up on pet supplies last week.

“Four. Just four cats. Yes, they poop a lot.” I denied one of the cats. But who is HE to get all into my cat ownership bidniz??

The conversation didn’t end there. Woman In Line Behind Me said, “My neighbor, she’s karazy! She has EIGHT CATS!” To which they guffawed and clucked about the absurdity of anyone having that many cats.

Lesson Learned: Sometimes it’s okay to shave the truth. Just make sure they’re not spending quality time in your home.

Kenny finds it absurd that I lie about the number of cats we have. But PEOPLE JUDGE. It’s easier to lie sometimes than it is to be judged by strangers. Look at that poor unnamed woman with eight cats who was mocked and ridiculed by strangers in a Wal*Mart check out line. Does it get any worse than being judged by that crowd?? Jeez. I don’t need that added pressure to my life.

Just today I was IMing with a co-worker who found out I have five cats, and she typed back, “You have FIVE cats??!!”. Yes, yes I do. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, and it’s too late to lie.

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