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The Bang Bang Theories

Como Estas?

You. Guys.

EVERYTHING in the world is happening right now, and I’ve decided that it is my social distancing responsibility to write nonsense valuable information on a much more regular – if not daily – basis.

I add the “if not daily” because does that mean I won’t be posting daily, or I will? I think that’s a statement that can go either way so whatever happens, I can count that as a success and that’s how I like my goals.

I’m also going to have much more free time in the coming weeks because my work hours were slashed in half, and I’m only complaining a little bit not complaining because other folks lost all their hours including My Mister, so our house is on financial lockdown.

Except for that ten dollar bottle of wine I purchased and drank all up last night, because read long-winded sentence above.

Instead of being a big ball of All The Time Fret, though, Imma just going to write some stories, clean up Chez Bang Bang, and apply for full-time jobs that we both know won’t be doing any interviewing so it’s basically fruitless, but I like fruit and that doesn’t even make sense, but maybe I’m still drunk from that bottle of wine, which is made with fruit, so full circle right here.

Most of the time when I sit down here I don’t even know what is going to fly off my fingertips. This is one of those times.

I did spend part of the day yesterday trying to convince My Mister that if we can convince 100 of our friends to send us $100, and then WE send $100 to someone we can get a chain reaction going and also have $10,000, and doesn’t that sound simple enough?

He didn’t believe in the plan.

He felt there was a hitch in it somewhere, and basically said our friends wouldn’t be reliable enough and I feel like he threw down a challenge to you guys and you should PROVE HIM WRONG and get those checks addressed to Chez Bang Bang post haste and he will then have cage-free egg on his face.

In other happenings, I have had a can’t-lose book idea for years now, and it was just this morning that it all came together for me and now I have to write it.  Nothing like a pandemic and self-imposed house arrest to inspire me.

Also, I’ve been on a 29-day streak of practicing up my Espanol, and having that app keep count  of my days for me has really brought to light how time passes whether you’re doing something or not. My yoga has been consistently irregular, too, which means that I do it at least three times a week, but sometimes more, although I stopped checking off my little boxes so I don’t have that visual reminder. I can’t say I’m any more bendy, but I’m also not less bendy, so I’ll take that as a win. I did have to contort way over today to get something that fell behind my nightstand and it was almost easy so maybe something is happening.

This week’s New Thing I’m Adding includes intermittent pushups and sit-ups to my daily schedule. I just do standing push-ups against my countertop – whenever I pass by I give it fifteen – and holy shitz are my arms sore and also my boobs, so there. It’s hard being an athlete.

So basically what we’ve learned here is:

1/ Sometimes stressful shit just happens and we can’t do anything about it

2/ If you practice one little thing every day, maybe you’ll get a little bit better at it, but you probably won’t get worse and time is going to pass more quickly than you can even realize anyway


5/ If all else fails, drink wine, because it’s a fruit and fruit is good for you.

You’ll notice that we skip from 2 to 5 in those bullets, and that’s because I had two other points, but they were so far from worth even including I took them out and decided not to renumber. Sometimes you just have to delete and move on.




Remember that time two weeks ago when I got all high and preachy and said I was going to start a 12-week yoga plan and also go on keto and basically change my entire life in one fell swoop?

Most of that didn’t happen.

Keto is just hard, ya’ll.  Yes, it made me go southern, I guess because basically I love biscuits more than I love being skinny, is the bottom line.

I think I lasted three days, and probably not all in a row, because I LOVE PINEAPPLE AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF I GIVE IT UP, KETO!

Yes, I got all shouty just now. I apologize. ~straightens skirt, clears throat~

LOL, I made myself laugh that I straightened my skirt, because we both know, Reader, I’m sitting around in my pajamas per always.

Anyway. That Keto Thing. I can see how some changes along those lines are beneficial, as in less breads and cakes and such. So I’m making some of those decisions and just saying no. But I’m saying yes to a normal amount of fruits and whatever dang vegetables seem like a good decision, because I don’t want scurvy, so there, Keto.

I know there are a good handful of you out there who say yes to the Keto, and thinks it’s easy, and you’re a stronger will than me and maybe you’re also vampires or superheros, Reader, because I like sweet potatoes and popcorn and don’t want to quit them.

So that was that.

But! On the flip side of that health coin, I’ve been sticking to my little yoga routine. And while those moves may look simple, let me assure you they are fierce. At least on this stiff ol’ body.

It has been a bit of a ….. the word?? I don’t have the word…but it’s well, it’s a struggle to fight against my inherent laziness who would rather just lay about and watch the tv.

But I’ve been fighting the lazy pull to quit and getting up and doing it instead, and I’m happy to say that while I’ve completed 10 days, I am not to the point where I’m suddenly a Nimble Nelly, but I think I may have found some grace.

Not grace in any of my moves; those are all herky jerky and I literally have to muscle myself into them and still use a bed post to help myself balance.

But I’ve found grace in not motherfucking myself while doing the moves.

My internal dialogue was really mean to me.  It was all cussy and disappointed in every single thing I am not able to do, which is mostly all of it except lying on the floor.

Yesterday I found myself saying nice things to my non-bendy knees, when they were doing the best then can. And my entire right side that is sort of froze up on reaching for the sky.  My neck that doesn’t bend easily to the left.

But nice words started talking to me, all out of the blue.  “We’ll get there – we will.  Imagine us one year from now if we just stay steady.” And I literally had no conscious thought to tell myself gentler things. It just happened, and I felt lifted and at ease with myself and I have to say, that feeling carried over all in to today.

Tonight when I did my routine I never once even thought of saying mean things to me.  It was calm and just at ease with doing what I could do.

Maybe that won’t keep up.

Maybe it will.

I just know that today, right now, I’m really liking what we’re doing for me.

It Seems More Fun on Paper

I know I told you this wouldn’t become some high road diet blog, wherein I become An Influencer and talk talk talk-ety talk about my new fantabulous lifestyle, yet here we are.

Day 2.

I’ve been super really almost-can’t-stand-it wanting something sweet in my yaw*.  I’m eating a scrambled egg with fresh mushrooms right now because I sort of skipped dinner, so now this is officially dinner.

*until right now I thought “yaw” was a fun slang word for ‘mouth’ but it doesn’t seem to be, except I think it should be, so I’m committing to it. 

I asked Almighty Google what is a more healthful substitute for sugary goodness that is also low carbs because carbs are my sworn enemy right now, and this is what Almighty Google delivered:

And all I can say is No, Google, I do not think that broccoli is an adequate CAKE substitute. Not if it were deep-fried and covered in chocolate sauce. Vile weed.

I’m almost offended on behalf of cake.

In other news of today, I decided that right now was when I was beginning a 12-week yoga challenge, let’s be clear, it is the simplest, most basic stretchy stuff that anyone should be able to do.

And yet.

I found it quite difficult.

I went through the round of poses, but again, let me be clear: I’m CERTAIN none of my positions looked like these positions. That #7?? Really? I mean. Come on. I had to pull over a chair to balance myself a little and then bend backwards WHILE HOLDING ON THE CHAIR – not my feet behind me.

I made myself a little graph and colored in my day and that is what I shall do every. single. day. for twelve damn weeks, no excuses unless something tragic happens to my body in the meantime, because this little routine can be done anywhere, as long as there’s a chair nearby.

It will be interesting to see if I in fact get more bendy along the way, or if it’s just all too late.

And that’s where we are tonight, Reader. Skeptically optimistic.


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