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The Bang Bang Theories


It’s so blazin’ hot out this glorious 4th of July weekend, you’d think it would be the perfect time for me to be out on my boat.

I’ll let that sink in and allow a moment for your waves of envy to wash over you.

Because Trixie Bang Bang is now officially a registered watercraft owner.

We are planning a christening event soon, complete with naming ceremony.  Just as soon as I purchase life vests. I’ve been recalcitrant for no good reason, and then my friend Denise just recently put it in the light of, “better vested up than drowned,” and she is very correct.

I’m not a strong swimmer. I can dog paddle my head above water to the edge of a pool, but don’t believe I’d do well in the open waters.

So life vests will either be purchased today and we’ll take the boat out for a test spin or I’ll order them from Almighty Amazon, and then have the rest of the summer to get out on the lake. It’s going to go one of those ways, Reader, and at this point on 90-degree day after the 4th of July, i’m just unsure which direction it’s going to take.

She’s a roomy 2-seater, complete with air pump and aluminum paddles.

Explorer series.

So yeah. Me and my watercraft plan to hit the local lakes, sometime before the summer season ends.

I did discover that my boat has weight restrictions, which is frankly quite rude and now I’m being judged by a rubber raft.

I’ve got room in there for 1 more ass. Let me know if you’re the ass that want’s to join me. As long as you’re under 200 lbs. Hope may float, but kayaks have limits.

*yes, that title is a play on words. Keep up with me, Reader.




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It’s Amazon Prime Day and that means I’ve just contributed yet again to Bezo’s Billions, because while I would like to not be a part of this cyclone of money he swirls himself in, The Deals are just too compelling.

I ordered MASCARA delivered to my doorstep for $3.34 AND it was on a YOU SHOULD REALLY OWN THIS STUFF list of the 50 Best Things on Amazon.

Yes, I am their target market.  If it’s on a list and I can read all about how wonderful it is, well, consider it sold.

The summary of Things We Needed on Prime Day include, but are not limited to:

1/ Mascara

2/ Eyelash Growth Serum (I’ve used it before, it’s amazing and a fraction of the cost of the super expensive brands)

3/ A pore-sucker-outter at-home microdermabrasion kit

I see a trend here, which probably comes from my studying my face too closely for too many hours in the Crying Mirror, which I’ve actually recently dropped and shattered, and now I see myself in a hundred tiny reflections.

Luckily, I can hone in on one shattered section at a time and commence with tweezing, squeezing, and scrutinizing. I would like my faithful reader to take up a GoFundMe so I can afford a new mirror because I’m going to be FIFTY FOUR next month and really should not be viewing myself in shattered pieces. It leads to the compulsion to purchase new face creams touted on someone’s must-have list.

I could afford a new Crying Mirror, but it offends me to pay another $80 for one simply because I was careless and knocked this off the counter. I need to spend that money instead on three-dollar mascaras and a contraption to clean the filthy pores I see in the Crying Mirror.  I’d like a new one for free, with my government handout stimulus check, dear mr. president or jeff bezos, whomever gets this message and responds first.

Outside of Beauty Must-Haves, I’ve been waiting all summer for Prime Day to snap up my next adventure in Outdoorsy-ness.

It will also be my first adventure in Outdoorsy-ness in quite some time, possibly all year.

I’ve been keeping a long-eyelashed eye on inflatable kayaks, and just yesterday I saw the one I want drop from $300+ down to $100!!!

Yet I didn’t snap it up, because it wasn’t Prime Day, and so an even lower price was just a few short hours away.

Except this morning my damn kayak was $178.  I think it was a misprice leading up to Prime Day and I thought it was an appetizer price, but it was the main course price and just like that I was out of a meal a.k.a. my kayak dreams, because once I saw it for $100 there’s no way I’m paying $178.

I kept an eye on it throughout the day and it finally dropped to $106 delivered and that was close enough and now I just CHECKED IT AGAIN and it’s $100 EVEN and now I’m $6 mad about it.

This opens up a whole new shopping requirement as now I’ll need a life vest and probably some other practical supplies and for garth’s sake, I just wanna be a little outdoorsy, why is it so cumbersome!!!

Let’s hope this kayak lives up to my dreams, which realistically looks like me doing this:

Only with super-long eyelashes and glowy pores.

My Mister determined now was the time to peel off a hunny from the pile and invest in a home security system, and today was the good deal, so that’s coming to our home soon, so keep out, Burglers. We will have EYES on you.

Our conversation:

My Mister: “So, where should we install the cameras? One in the living room, so if you hear a noise you can just check it and see if anyone’s in there?”

Trixie: “Um, no. I don’t want a spy camera on me in the living room. What if I’m sitting around on the couch by myself, and one thing leads to another with myself, I don’t need that on camera.”

My Mister:  ~ blankly stares at me ~

My Mister: “So what if we just aimed it down the hallway? Do you have … um… moments with yourself in the hallway??”

Trixie: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

My Mister: “I think this whole conversation is ridiculous.”

Trixie: “It IS ridiculous because it’s not like that actually HAPPENS*, but I don’t want a camera pointed in the living room just in case it SHOULD. I want to leave my options open.”


So bottom line, I don’t want a camera facing INSIDE the house, that feels super-spy-ie and unnecessary, the cameras need to be on the outside entrances. I am far too naked far too much around here and no one needs that on camera.

And there you have it. Shit We Couldn’t Live Without Today, and also, don’t be afraid to sit on our Porn Couch, Company! Believe me, the cats are about the only thing getting any action on it, and that’s in the form of sleep. Mostly.




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