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The Bang Bang Theories

“A” Game

Remember that time I used to have teensy weensy baby girl kittens and also I used to sit down and tell you stories about my life?

Well, I’ve got news for you. My baby girl kittens are officially 1-Year-Olds and they are not teensy weensy any longer and also I rarely sit down and tell you about my life anymore and I know you’re as sad about that as I am about not having hand-held kittens any longer.

Things change, Reader.

People change, Reader.

Since we last got together, I’ve become an athlete.

I know, right?! You didn’t expect to read THAT sentence. I didn’t expect to TYPE that sentence ever in the future of evers.*

*i don’t even know what that sentence means, but it feels right or it’s the rum punch cocktail typing, but I’m leaving it. 

After my Down Bad Crying Incident of 2024, I just figured, “how bad can it be?” and went and checked out the pool where my cousin and my auntie have been swimming once a week since sometime last year, and had been encouraging me to join them.

And guess what I discovered when I finally went, Reader? It wasn’t scary! Or intimidating!** I could give two full fucks if vacation strangers see me in a swimsuit and go back can tittle*** and teehee about me – I don’t know them and never will! But I had reservations about that amount of exposure in my home town.  Stupid Girl.

**I will say this: I try very hard to keep my eyes to myself in that ladies locker room, but I have seen more not-mine vagina areas than Travis Kelce has seen. Probably. I am apparently very inhibited because these ladies? give zero fucks about being full-frontal naked, while I am busy getting dressed underneath my full-coverage bath towel. 

***not a word (as far as I know), but should be.

My dumb brain almost stopped me from emerging into my athletic prowess.

We are really a self-absorbed people and don’t give other folks nearly as much critical thought as we think they are giving us.

And guess what else has happened, Reader?

I’ve — become — kind of — maybe, sometimes — a MORNING PERSON, to which I present you Exhibit A.

Exhibit A. Also known as “gloaty morning workout times!”


I have risen with the sun, slapped on my swimsuit and been in the water before the 7 a.m. hour many-a-time. MANY-A, I repeat!   Exhibit A only tells a small snapshot of the story, and not the super-gloaty two full months known as April-and-May when my athletic journey began, and wherein on one occasion I worked out IN THE MORNING AT 6:30 A.M. and also went that same evening for another hour of floinking around in the pool.


I make up my own water aerobics program. I sometimes take a class, if the timing hits right. I stretch and use their water weights and do jumping jacks and all sorts of floinking around moves, and I love it so hard, and then I hot tub and infra-red steam room and then I clean it all up with a shower and smell like their coconuty body wash and hair products and am happy happy happy.

Happy enough to spring out of bed so I can get there and back before the start of the workday, just in case there’s no time in the evening.

Have I mentioned that me – a Trixie who used to NOT be a morning person – is now a morningish person??  I can’t stop pointing that out, because I think it’s my biggest life achievement to date. Career, degree, family, house; all of that is less significant than my getting up when the sun does to do exercising.

And that’s what we’re doing around Chez Bang Bang. I’m an athlete now. Who still needs assistance walking down stairs sometimes because my bad knees still hurt, just not as badly, and I’m still the same fat as I was before I started my athletic journey but I don’t even give any damns about that.

My friend asked me today, “So what’s your goal with this?” and I replied, “My goal is to keep doing something I like doing.”  It doesn’t need to be any more than that.

I told my other friendie, “If I became homeless, I’d beg on the roadside til I got $75 a month to pay my membership and then I’d live there all day.” Homeless Me would watch t.v. in the comfy sitting area in the locker room; swim and steam and shower and just hang out until they kicked me out and I went to sleep in my tent in the nearby woods. I’d be the best-smelling homeless person ever. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, because my kittens wouldn’t like living in a tent. Probably not, anyway.  And I probably would hate it even more, because I already struggle to sleep***** soundly with a comfy mattress and super cozy bedding.

*****despite my new status of Athlete Who Works Out a Alot, I still struggle to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and that also makes me a tiny bit annoyed because WHY. ~shakes fist towards the heavens~

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