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The Bang Bang Theories

The Weight of Things

Do you have any idea how much you sound like an alcoholic when you’re trying to convince a team of people that you’re not a heavy drinker?

You sound like a lot of an alcoholic, Reader.

Through good luck* and good grace*, I ended up smack-dab where I didn’t want to be this year, which was right in the hospital with an Unexpected Thing That Sucked, and one of the two main causes of The Thing That Sucked is heavy drinking. The other thing is a shitty gallbladder, which we didn’t determine I had, so all signs were pointing to how much of a tippler I am.

*the very opposite of both

ER Doctor: “So, would you say you’re a heavy drinker?”

Trixie, writhing around in pain before the morphine had a chance to kick in: “No! I mean, no, I don’t think so, what is considered a heavy drinker….I have some cocktails. but mostly not that often, usually…In fact, my cousin and I just decided that we were going to have Dry August and stop drinking for the entire month!”

ER Doctor: “So……you drink enough to abolish drinking?”

Trixie: “No! I mean, we did it to lose weight, because I joined Weight Watchers but then I unjoined that and bought the Lose It app, and I mean, I’ve had a couple drinks anyway because I didn’t want to not have any drinks in August, but mostly no drinks! and not because I’m a heavy drinker, but for weight loss!”

ER Doctor: “When was the last time you had a drink?”

Trixie, doing the math: “Um, maybe Thursday? Or Saturday? Saturday. I had a rum runner or a pain killer or something, but just one, and before that it was one vodka+cran at a bonfire, but I didn’t even drink the whole entire thing, and that’s like two in a week during Times of Corona, so not even anything if you’re doing Corona Math.”

Trixie, continuing on: “I mean, I bought a case of wine in July and I’ve barely even had any of it, because I’m home alone a lot of the time and the only one who drinks wine in the house so if I open a bottle, I drink the whole thing myself, so I still have most of it left!”

ER Doctor: “Well, your liver has really high enzymes.”

Trixie: “Man that STINKS! I’m always trying to give my liver a rest! It don’t even take all the medications I’m prescribed because I think she should get a rest from all that processing.”

Trixie: “I’ve even switched up my morning beverage routine to incorporate a glass of lemon water before I even have a cuppa coffee just to really clean up my insides and get ’em going for the day! I love my insides!”

ER Doctor: “So what about recreational drugs? Do you take any drugs?”

Trixie, doing some self reflection: I must present myself like a really sketchy character to the world. I just had my hair done last night, so I’m not even looking terribly trashy. What the hell is going on here.

I absolutely felt like the Trixie Doth Protest Too Much, and also just stop talking, Me.

The good news was they deduced it was just a shitty gallbladder causing all my problems inside, and even though my gallbladder itself wasn’t acting up, we decided to get rid of that damn thing anyway, and I asked how much it weighed because I wanted at least a 1 lb. weight loss from the whole ordeal.

Priorities, Reader.



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