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The Bang Bang Theories

Whistle Blower

“Show us your titties, Trixie Bang Bang!”

Reader. I think you mean “Kitties.” Amiright??

Because I’ve been a negligent poster of cute cat pictures lately.

Here’s Purry, sitting in the only possible place there is to sit this fine Sunday morning.

She started up the soundtrack from A Star is Born and just sat there enjoying it while I cooked bacon and eggs this morning, and yelled at My Mister to turn his gol’dern music down, and get off my lawn, too.

He informed me that it was the cat’s selection coming from MY computer, so sit and spin on that, Trixie.

We were going to go out for breakfast today, as part of a Weekend Treat. But then I remembered I had a package of bacon in the fridge, and thought I could save us twenty large – wherein large = single dollar bills at Chez Bang Bang – by just cooking our own breakfast like showoffy homemakers.

So I did, complete with eggs and english muffins, and it was good enough, except it was a pretty cheapo package of bacon and we think maybe it was poisonous because neither one of us had a good feeling in our insides after eating it.

It crossed my mind that maybe I should make my own suet block for the birds with the leftover lard, but My Mister just told me N. O. because he doesn’t want to kill our wildlife.

p.s., who the eff has taken over my brain that I think I’m actually going to make suet?  

Toby got his 30-day wiener check-up yesterday, and seems to be in fine working order, thank Garth. While he and I were out driving across town, I stopped in at Discount Drug Mart to pick up stamps, and you know what? That store really DOES save you the run-around!  I ended up buying a $1.49 bag of wild bird seed, which is why the idea of creating my own suet block cluttered up my brain, as if I don’t have enough undone projects to think about.

While at the Discount Drug Mart, I also bought a keychain of Mace, because it was in the checkout counter impulse purchase section, and I picked it up. And then I put it back, thinking to myself, “Trixie BB, don’t spend ten unplanned dollars when all you needed were stamps!” But THEN I thought, “Well, this is just great, should I actually NEED this I’ll be super pissed off that I didn’t spend ten cheap bucks to SAVE MY LIFE and/or VAGINA and/or B-HOLE from unwelcomed intruders!”

So I put the Mace with my birdseed and stamps purchase, and when I got home I opened my mace and discovered it’s not MACE at all, just a product from the Mace brand,  and instead it’s a super-loud whistle and panic button, which it’s a good thing I tested it before I was in a precarious situation and NO POISON flooded into my would-be-attackers eyeballs, blinding them and allowing me to scamper away while they writhed in pain and humiliation.

I was disappointed in my ten dollar purchase, but now I realize why this was only ten bucks, and maybe a loud piercing whistle will do the trick in protecting my b-hole. It did the trick in scaring all the cats into skidding out as they ran down to the basement.   That was worth about three of the ten bucks, watching that happen.

The packaging made me laugh, which is worth about four bucks, because it actually stated to keep away from irresponsible adults, which maybe that means people that blow potential-hearing-loss whistles indoors when they’re not being attacked, and scaring all the cats in the entire neighborhood.  Hm.

That’s what’s been going on around here as of late, Reader. I’m justifying impulse purchases and thinking about tackling some of my never-ending projects while recovering from partial hearing loss brought to me by my own hand and lips and breath.  Tell me about a dumb purchase you made that ended up saving your b-hole. Make me feel better about my purchase, and also I’d really love to hear any and all of those stories.


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