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The Bang Bang Theories

Two Bits.

Me, muttering to myself yesterday morning while getting dressed: “Well, I’ve failed.”

My Mister: “Failed at what??”

Trixie Bang Bang: “Leggings.”

This was the Me in my mind, when I purchased said leggings:

It was far far far from Reality Me.

Reality Me had a sagging crotch and accentuated lumps, particularly around the knee area, and then I was mad because remember how I’ve been making the squat challenge my bitch?? Didn’t that sort of effort* earn the right to wear Fall Leggings??

*well, “effort” may or may not be continuous, but it happens occasionally, Reader, and gol’dern it, occasional squats should count for something. Otherwise it’s just rude, quite frankly.

They’re going to start hanging Not Wanted posters of me at TJ Maxx, for all the returning that’s been happening lately. 

Yes, the effort that was spent taking that picture far far far exceeds the payoff. But where do I have to go today, Reader? Other than to TJ Maxx, to return a pair of maybe-would-fit-a-cat leggings.

Yesterday at TJ Maxx I returned an Epilady contraption. I purchased it in an effort to get super-smooth in all my areas because – I know this is going to come as a surprise – I’m leaving on a jet plane soonish, and areas will be exposed to sunlight and those areas should be smooth. So when I saw the $8 Epilady that promised to “remove hairs at the root!,” Well, I put that right into my buggy because doesn’t that sound like a fun night at home!?! Just ripping out my hairs AT THE ROOT!  Good and fun times, come over Reader, for parlor games.

I tried it on a variety* of areas, Reader, and it did nothing.


I did inform the cashier it had been tested and deemed a hunka junk, and hopefully she heeded that warning of “it’s been tested” to throw it in the trash herself and then give herself a Silkwood Shower on her hands.

I noticed her scrutinizing it for hairs. She wouldn’t find any, because it didn’t work.  Nothing on my body was ripped out at the roots, unfortunately.

In Other News of Things I Didn’t Buy But Wondered About, they had this on the rack at the Maxx:


I looked it over intently for a while because – maybe, possibly,  because I’m now a lady* of a certain age** – I couldn’t fathom a scenario when I would need an emergency shave without water, sink or shower available.

*as always, “lady” is used in the loosest sense of the word. me being the same “lady” who returned a hair-ripper outter that was tested on my Bourdain areas (parts unknown). 

**not in my twenties, when I may or may not have used the “unshaven legs” theory for deterring myself from unscheduled sexing around town, but then maybe I wanted to change my mind after several hours at the bar and a little flirting and then I would do it anyway, except now with super-prickly legs. like we all did, Reader, so shush your superiority act. 

Except maybe on Survivor? Or Naked and Afraid? But if you only get one important item to bring, would this be my choice over, say, a lighter??

l don’t know, Reader.

Should I have bought those shave-anywhere-razors? Let’s chat about the possible scenarios where these would be handy. Your turn, as I’m already out of ideas other than roughing-it reality t.v. shows.


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