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The Bang Bang Theories

Urine Trouble (and no, the cats are not involved this time)

Hi Reader, Happy Friday to you, or just Happy Day if you’re reading this another day.

Join me on the patio for a cuppa joe, why don’t ‘cha, and let’s chat about what’s been going on.

Firstly, I’m happy to report that during my recent bout of unemployment, I have managed to take a shower every. single. day.

I know, right?!

That is some accomplishment around Chez Bang Bang!

Now, I may or may not have been gadding about town without all of my foundational support systems in place, a.k.a., proper bajonga support, but that’s for the neighborhood to worry about and not your problem, Reader.  It’s their nightmare, not yours.

Also, I’ve taken to enjoying my face in it’s natural state during my unemployed status. I’m sort of beginning to like it just fine in as-is condition.

I’ve used my newly free time to mostly sleep in til eleven a.m. … er… I mean being super productive! It’s not even NINE A.M. and we’re on the deck – which I leaf-blowed off already – and we’re typing up words! Talk about progress!!

I also went to Chicago for a quickie trippie, because I thought I was going to be meeting an author who I like, but she decided she had better things to do and was a no-show, which is frankly RUDE and I have vowed when I am famous I will ALWAYS SHOW for my fans! I’m here for you NOW, because I’m a giver!

But all was not lost, and I enjoyed the weekend with my cousin, and also eating pizza and drinking wine and seeing things and I met other nice people that showed up for the No-Show-Jen-Lancaster, yes, I called her out right HERE on this very popular blog.

My biggest takeaway from the trip was learning from my cousin about Groupon Getaways, which is how she and her husband enjoyed a $650 trip to ‘Gina and she advised me if I plan to go I need to get a little more limber because public restrooms involve squatting over a hole in the ground.

After she told me about all the wonders she witnessed while in China, she began that information sharing session with, “Um, also you need to know this. It may be a deal-breaker for you.”

I’m not exactly…bendy.  Or squatty. She saw me in motion over the few days in Chicago, when she was showoffy with her super-bendy knees and squatted for a photo and I sort of had to bend at the waist while pretending to squat. I fooled no one.

I grilled her for more specifics.

“So, how close do you have to get to this hole in the ground??”

“Well, you know…you have to get close enough to not miss the hole. Kinda like camping when you were a kid and had to squat in the woods.”

“Hm.  Well, I was never good at that when I had eight-year-old knees. I used to pee all over the back of my pants.”  And p.s., I have never been much of a camper, either, so I used the more recent memory (of only 20 years ago) of the one time way back in my married life when I was in Texas with my Ex’es (because it rhymes, Reader) and we were drinking in the car from a cooler stuffed with cold brews because it’s TEXAS (except the drinker was not the driver, it was mostly me and his step-mama as the drinkers) and we had to pull over into a scrub-brush area and I had to walk out there by some cactus and hope to Good Garth we didn’t step on a rattler or a fire ant hill, and I had to pee.

I effectively peed on the back of my shorts. Because I’m not good at outdoors.

My cousin concurred it can be a challenge.

With this new knowledge that a cheap trip to China can be had, I came home and have gotten right to work.

I’ve been Youtube-ing how-to-get-bendy-enough-to-pee-in-‘Gina videos and doing them every day this week.  In fact, I did a new 19-minute-get-more-stretchy before I even had my first cuppa coffee today.

What I’ve learned is this:  I am. really. really. really. not. bendy.

I think I used to be more bendy. I have recollections about doing fancy sex trickery moves in my twenties and maybe my thirties. I mean, I caught a couple’a husbands back then, I was able to Do Things.

I’m not sure when it all got stiffened up.  But knowing I once had it gives me hope that with enough dedication to youtube videos and my yoga mat,  I may be able to pee in China before the end of the year.

Goals, Reader. We all need to have goals.

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