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The Bang Bang Theories

All That’s Missing is the Brown-Chicken-Brown-Cow

Last night left my phone in my purse (instead of placing it my nightstand) and lemmee tell you, it was …. freeing? …. to not be on my phone checking dumbness at 2 a.m. (when I went to bed, because I’m a par-tay-er, Reader!). But the VERY BEST PART of not having my phone on my nightstand was Sunday morning, when I wasn’t rolling over and checking the time, and thinking to myself, “I should really be getting up, my day is being squandered!”

I wasn’t thinking any of that, because I had no idea what time it actually was, and so I’d assume it was still very early in the morning and I’d roll over and go back to sleep. Like it was my job.

Purry joined me at my job today.  She worked side-by-side with me all night and into the morning. Because she’s dedicated, Reader. And a hard worker. She will be getting an exceeds expectations in her job review this year, with an added bonus of Pounce treats.

When we finally decided we’d filled up our sleep-tanks, I just knew it must be the heat of the afternoon. I felt refreshed and bouncy when I sprang* outta bed. And imagine my delight when I found it out was only 10:30 in the morning, Reader! It was still MORNING!!

*let’s face facts, my “sprang-ing” at any time is a very loosely interpreted word.

My Sunday Funday is shaking out to be a day of Things to Do, instead of “and on the seventh day we rested all day and not just the morning part.”  I would say it’s all my own fault, except a lot of the blame must be shared by Product Makers and the Internet, for providing misleading information, also known in today’s day and age as Fake News. Because I’ve been long convinced that Murphy’s Oil Soap is the shitttzz to use on hardwood, including hardwood floors.

But guess what I’ve recently learned, Reader? Anything with the word “Soap” in it is AWFUL for use on hardwood floors.

Guess what else I’ve learned, Reader? Even worse for hardwood floors are products that are made and say “Hardwood Floor Cleaner” on them!

This one? Awful awful awful reviews on hardwood floor cleaning websites. 

Have I used this before?

Of course. This, and just about every other hardwood floor cleaning product out there.  This, per an independent review site:

Orange Glo restores the shine of polyurethaned floors, but only temporarily. In fact, wood floors look fabulous immediately when you use Orange Glo. Orange Glo leaves a grimy build-up or residue on hardwood floors. This filmy residue will appear in dull streaks that are very tricky to remove. The sticky residue can often be so thick that you literally have to scrape it off! 

My floors are constantly grabbing every piece of dirt and scuff, and look dirty and dull all the time, which I usually blame on my seven three cats and one messy mister.

It all came to a head last weekend, when I had the misguided brilliant idea to use a little borax, vinegar, baking soda and a squirt of Dawn dishwashing liquid to really get my floors deep-cleaned.

Because I had read that recipe online for cleaning my patio furniture, and then I got really invested in reading about the many uses of good, ol’ fashioned Borax, and it all just culminated into one awful, sticky, dirt-and-foot-print attracting MESS, all over my bedroom floor.

Now, this is where Trixie’s Laziness really pays off. Because Trixie only did one area of the floors with this concoction, and not the entire house.

I excitedly waited to see how amazing and shiny and clean my floors would be upon drying.

And boy, howdy, was I in for an amazing surprise.

Every. Single. Toe imprint. Swipe of the mop. Run of the dishrag. Dirt. Dust. Cat hair. Was laid across my floors for my enjoyment.

So I was re-mopping my floors at around 11 p.m., because while I may look like a slobby housekeeper, dirt like that causes me great unrest and it was easier for me to remop and get a restful night’s sleep than tossing and turning thinking about those floors.

I filled a hot steaming bucket with water and a splash of Murphy’s Oil Soap.

Upon drying, no difference, except maybe a tich worse.

For the next two days My Mister gave it a hand-job with just a wet cloth and some hard scrubbing.

It was marginally  improved.

I filled another bucket of hot water and clear vinegar to just cut right through the crap.

Again, only a slight improvement, and you could just feel the grit when you touched the floor.

So that brought me to Friday morning, when I decided I’d try pure old rubbing alcohol on a cloth in a small section near the edge and see what happens.

This was the first solution that left me with a slick-as-a-whistle feeling floor once again. Except I only had a teensy bit of rubbing alcohol left, so the project has been saved up for today.

Now there’s a buncha alcohol and a hand job in my very near future, Reader. Because I know how to enjoy my weekends, amiright?!

If this doesn’t work, I’m going to tea-bag the floors next, per this little nugget I read on the Internet today:

You can also use boiling water and two teabags to clean hardwood floors. The tannic acid in tea creates a beautiful shine. Let two teabags steep in the boiling water for a few minutes. Pour the tea into a bucket. Take a soft cloth and wring it out in the tea. The cloth merely needs to be damp, not soaked. This will enable the floor to dry quickly. Wash the floor and be ready to be amazed by the sheen.

Come over, grab a rag and join me on all fours. We’ll turn this day into a floor orgy in the bedroom. We can film it and make it our own version of a dirty movie, one that Heloise would approve.

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