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The Bang Bang Theories

Bumps in the Night

You guys.  I’ve been at my new old job for 11 days now and training and learning is hard. And tiring. Who knew going back would be so dern exhausting, Reader??

It’s a good thing I’ve already had a day off, am-I-right?

Yes, 11 days and I already had a day off.  Because some things – like a new old job – need to be eased into, like an old man into a warm bath.

I had a few fun events planned prior to my getting a new job-ie-oh. Part of  that fun was going to a country music fest in Columbus with my girlie friendie, and we spent two nights down there listening to music.

It was also a bajillion degrees that weekend so we spent part of the hot afternoon in our hotel room, watching a movie and eating Ritz crackers and drinking rums and cokes.

My girlie friendie also discovered that I’m an awful awesome driver at night, on unfamiliar highways undergoing construction.

Because I dropped the speed to seven and used my brights which had her a little on edge, but better safe than wrecked, except maybe that would be the exact cause of a wreck, and therefore no bueno.

Except. I had a really bad premonition dream a week or two before our trip, and that has had me a little on edge, so I blame the bad dream.

We’re not hear to swap dream stories, because that’s even more boring that my telling you that while I was in C-bus I ate this really giant cream puff from Man vs. Food restaurant in German Town. Except this dream, I’ll share the cliffs notes version with you, as a defense for my Officially Old Lady Driving skills.

Some who have ridden with me may dispute that this is a new thing. To you, I say suck it. You’re getting a free ride. Making left turns can be scary, and shouldn’t be taken lightly, Passengers. I proceed with caution.

This was  a cute bench made from a wagon wheel and someone should make this for Chez Bang Bang’s yard. Ahem. Yes, I’m pointing the finger at you, Talented Reader. All you need is an old wagon wheel. How hard can it be?

So back to the cautious dream. First, let me go on the record as stating that I’ve had a lot lot lot of dreams of dead people lately.  They’re not inviting me over to their side to party, but they’re around. And then the most recent dream was three dead people, my mom included, and an old friend, and my ex-husbands dead dad. And they were all looking out for me – I think. The old friend was telling my mom she was “watching over me to keep me safe.”

And then at one point I was compelled to roll over and open my eyes, and I swear this is zero point zero amount of exaggeration, I saw a male figure standing over my bed, and I was just sure it was my Forensic Files episode come to life and I was being home invaded and very soon to be bludgeoned to death.  And I know it was not a dream because I looked at my phone for the time and it was 2:26 a.m., which is also high-time for Forensic Files crimes to be committed, so great.

But back to the figure standing over me. It was SO REAL, I screamed in a really annoyed tone of voice, “What are you doing??!!” because that’s the appropriate reaction when you think there’s a home invader, but then the figure sort of turned and left the room, and I think it was my ex-husband’s dead dad, but he had his arms crossed over his chest, which wasn’t the most welcoming position but it also didn’t feel too scary.

And then I elbowed My Mister to wake the fuck up, how could he be sleeping through all that, and he said he heard me talking but thought I was speaking to him so he just ignored me. Because again, that’s how we show love at Chez Bang Bang.

I had him get up – much to his dismay delight – and check the house for bad guys and also shut the one window I had opened because why invite a murdery raper into the house.

And that’s the reason I have been a super cautious night-driver this month, and haven’t wanted  to dance with danger or take any risks. There’s been some foreshadowing shadows in my bedroom.

Now, lest you think this is the end of that story, you’d be wrong, Reader.

The very next day after I saw the shadowy ex-husband’s dead dad figure float-ish out of my room, a problem door knob that I’ve had was magically fixed.

You see, I have a door leading out to the garage. And the knob suddenly became an asshole and wouldn’t turn anymore. It just froze the fuck up for no apparent reason about a month or so ago.

Weeks ago I took it apart. I tried to figure it out. I sprayed it with WD-40, which I thought fixed just about anything.

And it still would not budge. Wouldn’t turn. It was frozen with the sticky-outtie-part stuck out, so the door wouldn’t close, it was just resting against the plate.

The very next morning, after the figure?  My Mister went to the garage to take the trash out, and the door slammed shut behind him. He was taken aback. And has admitted that it is quite a coincidence in timing of the lock fixing right that very morning.

One friendie said I need to lay off the crack pipe. Another said perhaps all that WD-40 finally worked it’s way into the frozen parts and choose that very instant to work.

But that lock, it just fixed itself. Or the ghost fixed it. All I know is, it’s working now and hasn’t been an asshole since.

So basically, my wish for a handyman ghost seems to have appeared. Now I’m just waiting on my cleaning ghost. And by the way, Ghost, it would be nice if you didn’t scare me at night. Or wake me from a good night’s sleep. Just sayin’. Show up around 5 p.m., and make dinner while you’re here.  It doesn’t have to be as fancy as the German food we had before the cream puffs, but ya know. A little something cookin’ would be nice.

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