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The Bang Bang Theories

Champagne Wishes & Caviar Dreams

Guess what I’m doing here, Reader?

You’ll never guess, so I’ll give you a multiple choice. Because as we’ve established, I’m a giver.

A)  Searching for diamonds

B) Checking for a wormhole to another dimension

C) Testing for a new place to nap

D) Sniffing for cat pee

You will NEVER guess, Reader.  It’s tricky.

Well, if you guessed looking for a time-travel wormhole, you’d be correct, Reader.

If by “time-travel wormhole” you mean “sniffing for cat pee.”

Because my house was stinkin’ like we keep a den of lions hidden somewhere, as I was actually informed. And we couldn’t figure out why because we were sniffing all around and cleaning and scrubbing and wiping and spraying and there was still the odiferous smell of cat pee.

So we got down to business and I hauled my morbidly obese body down to the floor, in full-body contact and sniffed inch-by-inch on the sparse amount of rugs I actually have.

It was yet another Saturday afternoon of my Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous life.

After all that carpet sniffing, I only discovered one little section of an offending area, and I Bissell’ed the hell out of it, and sprayed and cleaned and scubbed and put my nose RIGHT ON IT, Reader, to see if the prob was resolved.

It was resolved for this carpet, but still the smell lingered in the air.

The only place left to check that was fabric was the curtains.  So the curtains were sniffed and Weeeee-Doggie as Jed Clampett would say. Or in this case, “Weeeeee-Kitty!”

The olfactory offender was discovered. Because as my vet warned me three years ago, “You have waaaay too many male cats, good luck with that!” I have a “marker” boy cat who is an asshole, but he’s also cute enough, and see the conundrum, Reader? Cute, but bad.

So we threw those drapes right in the trash, because wowwee, no amount of washing them would convince me they would be good again, plus they came with the house and were only placeholders until I figured out what to do in the living room. Now that I have discovered the extent of my beloved little asshole sprayer, I won’t be buying new drapes because I’m sure I’d get a repeat performance.

And now I have an Open Concept as the House Hunters would say, only I mean on my windows. 

But guess what? The Lion’s Den has been subdued.

And for all the guests I’ve loved before, who’ve travelled in and out my door, I’m glad you came along, but I had no idea how strong, this odor really was…..So yeah.  Sorry.  The blame fully lies at my eight three cat’s paws for your unpleasant experience.

It’s better. Pinky swear-zies. Please come back. But keep your clothes on in the living room or the neighbors will be enjoying a peep show. Unless you want to put on a peep show. I’m not here to judge you, Reader. You do you.

4 thoughts on “Champagne Wishes & Caviar Dreams

  1. I’m been in you situation myself, torn between love for our pets a hate for the bad behavior they can display. But I have to disagree with the vet. I hand only (really!) two female cats and I had this issue. After searching high and low, found my cat ‘Baby’ was peeing on the wall just behind my pillow.
    After I had a psychic friend talked to her ( I can do it, but was afraid to hear ‘you’re a bad mommy!’) we found out that she was ‘pissed’ that I wasn’t home enough. At the time, I was dating and not coming home every night. I started spending more quality time with her when I was home and I had my boyfriend start spending more time at my place then his, and the problem stopped. Find a psychic who talks to animals and see what your little pee’er is upset about. Modify and stinky house ‘be gone.’

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