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The Bang Bang Theories

T Minus 1

In case you didn’t know, tomorrow is not only Thursday, but it’s a pretty big-damn-deal day.

I’m the big-damn-deal.

I know this will be hard to believe because of my youthful persona and wrinkle-free face, but tomorrow I turn fiddy.

I should be on a beach in Cancun, with my swim-out pool and hot-tub time machines.

Instead, spidey-bitey.


My friendie and other love made me the perfect birthday card.


Yes, he used my post-surgery spider wound to make the zero in fiddy.

Now you know exactly what I had going on with my footsy.

And why it was deemed to looked like a really fucked up vagina.

And that I love people with horrifying senses of humor and artistic talents.

And now you’ve seen more than you ever bargained for, but unfortunately you can’t unsee ┬áit.

And that in a few short hours I’ll be officially fifty.

So be nice. I’m an old lady. Help me cross some streets.


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