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The Bang Bang Theories

In Rambles.

My, oh my, where does the time go, Reader? Here we sit on the cusp of Friday morning, ticking over in a few short minutes. And then, blink, weekend is rolled out right in front of you once again, like a beautiful red carpet just waiting for you to walk all over it.

Speaking of walking all over it, my dern gouty foot still hurts. While I think it’s looking better, it still has a really angry spot on it and while it wasn’t very painful yesterday, today it’s back at it again and stabbing me with pains. I also need to paint my nails. I’m just splashing really horrifying foot pictures across the interwebs and I know, I know – I don’t even have the decency to present painted toenails, but then look at the ouchy part and I mean, you should feel like an asshole for even thinking anything about my raggedy toenails with this going on. Reader, sometimes your priorities are a tich whack.


Needless to say, it’s not letting me forget about it and I’m doing daily photos to make sure progess is being made.  But I do just want to say, damn, what the fuck almost-50? I could have done without this little treat, quite frankly.  But on the other foot, it could be a lot worse, unless this really IS something worse and I’m going to be battling for my life and some of you will be all, “I told you so!” and I’ll be all, “But the urgent care doctor said it was just this little inconvenience!!” and all of it will be moot and there will be no one to make a love-story about me. I don’t know which part has the me most annoyed. I guess the urgent care doctor would be the thing I’m the most annoyed with, because he downplayed the trauma. I mean, that is should something more dramatic be brewing. Let’s hope not, Reader, but I think just to be sure I should start a Go Fund Me, because I’d really like to see Australia while I can still walk around down under, and also, I will stop in Bora Bora while I’m over that way. Two birds, one stone. It would probably make me forget all about my stabby pains in mah foot  if I had a plane ticket in mah hand. I think they need to create a Make-a-Wish for mildly inconvenienced adults. We get super-bitchy with the least little bit of stabby pains, way more bitchy than children, so it would really be a public service if we had our own Make A Wish because then we’d be nicer to the world.

Maybe that will be my philanthropic efforts. But probably not, because I’d be the first person on my Wish List and then I’d lose interest after I drank all the free cocktails that I would have on hand to pass out to our clients, and let’s face it, I’d be terrible at running a charity for mild-inconvenienced adults because everyone except me should cowboy up and quit yer whining. Except I’m the only one here whining. Hm.

So what we’ve learned is:
#1/ Steriods not only make you possibly roid-rage-y, but also selfish and slightly incoherent as evidenced by this which makes not a lot of sense.

#2/ It’s not nice to judge the chipped-polished toes of a girl with Gouty Arthritis. She knows things are a mess from top to bottom. Believe me, she knows.

#3/ Who the hell was doing all this killing of birds with stones?? I mean, obviously enough of it was happening that there’s a saying for it, and I think that’s the meanest thing I’ve thought about all day. I’m going on the record as stating that I do not endorse the killing of birds with stones, especially used stones that already killed a different bird.

#4/ I think this gouty arthritis should quality me for medical mary jane, because I’m already of scattered thought and incurable snacking, so how much worse can happen. Not much, Reader. Not much at all.

#5/ Charity begins at home. So if you’d like to contribute to my charity, I’ll let you touch my foot for $1000.  If I can just get four of you to say yes to the foot, I’ll be on a jet plane to Australia and Bora Bora. And whatever is left will go towards my new profit, Wishes for Mildly Inconvenienced Adults. Except I’m the judge of all wishes that get granted and each one will have a signature cocktail created in your honor. I just made up some of the rules, and yeah, it’s sounding good. I think we’re on to something here, Reader. Just think of what I’ll come up with if I can get a ‘script for medical maryjane. And that’s probably an argument in favor of not prescribing me pot to soothe my gouty foot.




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