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The Bang Bang Theories

Between the Cracks

I went on a bit of a shopping spree a few weeks back.  I really don’t enjoy shopping for clothing all that much. It’s not that I don’t like having new stuff to wear. I just usually hate paying the price for nice clothes, especially when I could be enjoying that money on other thing, like vacations.  Nice clothes usually last longer than the cheap-o stuff I find at Walmart, but again, I hate the spend.

But it was time, Reader.

It was getting to the point where I would look into my packed closet and couldn’t find anything at all to wear, and I have been contemplating going back into the four bags of clothes I have packed up to donate, and re-assessing what I’ve put in the “toss” pile – like maybe I was too hasty, because I have nothing to wear.

I had a $50 Kohl’s gift certificate and figured I could pick up a few things that were on end-of-season sale. And my, oh, my, Reader, did I ever.

$350ish later, I came home loaded with bags of stuff, mostly summer, but also some transition-to-winter, jeans, a couple of skirts, dresses, etc.  And I tried everything on in the store, to prevent the shop-in-haste-make-returns-later day, wherein I usually forget to return the bag of no-goods until it’s long past the time to return, and then I end up putting perfectly brand-new still-tagged items in the donation bin.  I’m trying to be a more savvy shopper.

I did break some of the Koni-Mari rules, and picked up a few things that while they didn’t quite spark joy, they were reduced enough that I wanted to try out some new looks and see if I could commit to them.

For instance, I bought a skirt that is really flowery and country-looking, but I have a super cute pair of boots that needed something to pair with, and it was ten bucks (marked down from $60ish) so I brought it home.

That Mari Koni would be really disappointed in that buying methodology, as would TeeMcbee Image Consulting (who has great style and style advice that I read and make attempts to follow) – they both tout only buying stuff that is GREAT, not just meh.

But ten bucks. Come on. The material is worth ten bucks, even if I cut it up and turn it into pillows.

Are you still laughing over that, Reader?? Because I am! Because sewing, whew, that’s funny coming from me, the girl who has stapled and taped loose hems and buttons before.

Anyway, the point is, that after exhaustively trying on clothing, I came home with bags and bags of new items, which prompted me to clean out even more crap that I don’t wear from my closet to make way for the next wave of future donations.

One of those purchases was a pair of Vera Wang Skinny Jeans.

Reader. I know what you’re thinking. TBB in skinny jeans?? Whaaaa?


First, that’s a little rude. We’re friendies, remember. You’re supposed to overlook my thick thighs and tell me I’m more like Beyonce-Thick rather than on-your-way-to My 600-lb. Life thick. That’s how friendship works.

Second, two reasons why I brought them home:

#1. They made were the only pair on the rack. They were in my size. The very definition of Serendipity.

#2. They were marked down from $90 to $10.40.

I think that’s technically three points, but we’re not going to get all nitpicky, are we, Reader. No, we are not.

Yesterday I pulled ’em out of the closet to wear to work, as the perfect Friday jean.

Except trying them on briefly in the store and then putting them on to wear for a day was a bit of a different experience.

They are sort of low-riders, meaning they could almost give me plumbers crack, so I choose a longer shirt to prevent any unwanted sightings for my co-workers. I’m nothing if not thoughtful, Reader.

And then the low-riding in the back was countered by a high-rising in the front crotchal area, meaning they needed to be dug out of places they shouldn’t have been as the day wore on.  At one point in the evening I had my had stuck right down my pants making adjustments and my friendie Dan commented, “How in the world are you getting you arm between you and those skinny jeans!” Because I was making adjustments right in front of him, after dinner, on the outdoor patio. Sometimes adjustments just need to be made and there is no time to take that problem to a bathroom to figure out.

So here’s what I’ve learned about Skinny Jeans.

#1/ At no point in the wearing did I ever feel skinnier. In fact, the opposite.

#2/ My 27-year old co-worker informed me that “skinny jeans are in right now.” In my cracks, yes. Not sure they should be in my closet. Unless maybe I was 27. Which I’m not, we both know that, Reader, so no need to be rude about it. Sheesh.

#3/ In a gravital conundrum, you can have both a plumbers crack and camel toe at the exact same time.

#4/ I just made up the word “gravital.” And “crotchal”. So basically Skinny Jeans has inspired additions to Merriman-Webster for 2017.

#5/ Just because it’s in your size doesn’t mean you should buy it.

#6/ Just because it’s only ten bucks doesn’t mean you should buy it. Unless you plan on making pillows. Or cat outfits. Which, come to think of it, they would look sort of cute in skinny jeans or a flowered dress.

#7/ Despite the discomforts, I plan on trying them again, with tall boots this Fall. Because I’m tenacious, Reader. And if I wear them twice, they come down to costing only $5 per wearing, and that’ll make me feel better when I add them to tomorrow’s donation bag.

#8/ Sometimes charity work begins not only at home, but up in your cracks. Is that something that should even be donated, Reader?? Jeans that have been that intimate with me??  Only a paper-thin pair of panties separated me and that denim. I’m confused now on how charity works.






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