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The Bang Bang Theories

Doctor In the House

This morning while I was putting on my makeup I spilled a half of a weensy container of greenish eye pigment on myself. 

It spilled right out of the container because Smarty Pants Me removed the little plastic powder-holder-inner thingie that has holes in it so you can shake just a tich of it out at a time. Because I couldn’t get it to shake out, and then I realized it had a clear cover over the holes, but I couldn’t get it off. So I worked like a sumbitch to get that plastic spill-preventer removed with a pair of tweezers and toe-nail clippers. 

I was like a doctor, with all my necessary tools for make-up surgery right at my fingertips in the bathroom cabinet drawer. 

It wasn’t until after I had the plastic powder holder thingie removed that I realized the great need for such device. Because that pigment powder is filled quite to the top in that weensy little container, and it doesn’t take much of a nudge to get it to slosh out. And if you know anything about pigment makeup, you know that it takes very little to get the color applied, and it lasts and lasts and lasts.

Usually I’m rather careful, but this morning I nudged it with a jerky hand motion for some reason, and the next thing I was wearing greenish pigment from tit to twat.  

“Did I have to change clothes?”, you’re wondering.  Well, luckily I apply my makeup naked. I know that’s a visual you can’t un-visualize right now, and for that I apologize a little. Not a full-hearted apology, though, I’m not that sorry. But please in your visual make me look better than the reality. Go with Kate Upton, only less tan. You’ll be happier that way.  

So Naked Kate Upton-Me sat on the closed-toilet and looked down at the debacle that had landed all over herself.  There was no time for a re-shower. So I got out a washcloth and started to wipe it all down, but it just became smeary and then looked like I was black & blue all over my torso, twat, and leg.  

And the only thought I had? “I’d better get this off, because if I get in an accident they will spend far far far too much time trying to figure out all this bruising.”  

It was a pigment-smeared sight, I tell you.  I grabbed some makeup remover towelettes and re-bathed myself, but it still didn’t come off all that well, so I do look bruised-ish in my birthday suit. 

So what we’ve learned is:

  1. Clean underwear isn’t the only thing you have to worry about in a potential car accident
  2. Always apply your makeup naked, because it’s better to brush off your twat than have to change an entire outfit
  3. Don’t do surgery on your makeup containers, the experts built ’em that way for a reason
  4. Younique makes the hell out of pigment eyeshadow
  5. Naked Kate Upton-Me looks fan-fucking-tastic, even with a bluish-greenish bruise all over her bod

I did not document this morning’s mishap in photos. You’re welcome. 

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