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The Bang Bang Theories

Like Picasso, Only Less Appreciated

Let’s just call December a blogging-wash, okay? Can we still be friends, Reader?  Paww-weeze?? I know I made promises of sharing my nonsensical self more, and I didn’t deliver, and your days were dry, like Triskets-without-a-dip dry.  I mean, like they still had some flavor, but could have used just a little sumpin’-sumpin’.  That sumpin’ being ME. Ammiright??

Okay, good.  Now we’ve cleared the air on that, we can get down to some real bidniz.

For some reason this month I lost my mind and decided to handmake chocolate candy treats. Because I think I must have been looking for a reason to buy a gazillion-pound-bag of chocolate.

And that was a swell idea, because how hard could this be? Ya melt some chocolate, ya dip some stuff, ya put it in your mouf, voila. 

But then I said to myself, “Well, hey, let’s also add some caramel, because yum!” 

My kitchen has been a disaster for a good week now, with trays of chocolates and pretzels and almonds and caramel and other things just strewn about, in various phases of complete. 

Because the major problem with the “I’m just gonna whip up some chocolate treats” line of thinking is that I never have time to complete the task in one fell swoop.

As I’ve been told by my lovah, I have no concept of how time works. 

And therein lies the problemo.

I had a tray of pretzel rods dunked for their first bath in caramel, and then I had to pack it up and wait for another day with more time for the chocolate dipping.  So I wrapped them in my handy dandy Press & Seal, to keep ’em fresh until I had time to get back to my craft. 

Today was the day I had to make the time to finish it all up. Because I can’t stand the disheveled-ness of the entire house any longer and it was time to put everything away. And it’s Christmas Eve. 

Did I mention I’m also a dolt and volunteered to host a baby shower in my house on Sunday? The Sunday after Christmas? Yep, this coming Sunday. So I’ve been making blue & white candy treats for that shebang, too, and have to have a spic & span house in time to greet guests. And create a candy bar area because I saw it on Pinterest and thought “I can do that!” but I really can’t, but it’s too late to stop that train, so I’m on for the ride and just need to get it done. Fucking Pinterest. Sticks it to me again. 

Anyway, back to my caramel pretzel rods.  Did you know, Reader, that caramel is sticky?? 

Well, it is.  

And my pretzel rods, drenched in caramel and rolled up in press & seal became a giant blob of sticky deliciousness. 

I still have 8 lbs. of chocolate to do something with, so I started breaking up this caramel heap and decided to just go with the abstract shapes and call it pretzel candy art. Because like Picasso, my art is interpretative. 

I threw in some crushed up Reese’s Cups to add a little extra taste surprise for whomever gets the treat of putting this in their mouf. It may be you, Reader. I’m giving away treat bags to the first 3 responders.  

Why do I have a feeling this is the surest way to hear crickets from you?   

So yeah.  Aren’t you glad you decided we could still be friends? I’m going to shower you with abstract candy art. 

And also, stay tuned, I’ll be sharing how I almost burned down the neighborhood by lighting my outdoor Christmas decorations. Because I thought “Indoor Use” was a suggestion. 

Basically I do Christmas like a boss. 

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