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The Bang Bang Theories

Lady Business

I’ve had something on my mind for several weeks now, and it’s been there poking me in parts of my brain that make me question Life and Things and Stuff. Have I been doing it all wrong my whole entire life, Reader?  

I mean, I just celebrated my 49th birthday. Yep. I typed it out loud. Because for all those who don’t get another year on this earth, it would be really rude to not acknowledge all the years I have gotten so far. So yeah. 49.  That’s a lot of years to have been maybe perhaps doing things wrong. Well, one thing in particular, as far as this post is concerned.  Many many many peoples would tell you I’ve done a lot of things wrong, I’ve no doubt. And they are probably mostly right. But this isn’t about them. It’s about me and you, right Reader? Right. So they can suck it. 

But back to the problem at large. 

What got me to questioning my entire way of living was a blog I stumbled upon, a Buy Nothing New Challenge.  I was totes all about it, Reader.  I’ve been especially disgruntled with my years of consumerism since my debacle of a garage sale back in June, when I realized all the stupid shit I’ve acquired and never used or minimally used, and now it’s just something I have zero use for and it’s still cluttering up my garage. 

So yeah. I was all for going on a buying fast.  

And then I read a little deeper into her blog and I couldn’t quite get past the part where she talked about the hardest part for her was not buying new underwears every six months, like she was used to doing, so she learned to make them or something. I didn’t fully comprehend anything past the part where she said she bought entire new panties and bras every six months.  

I looked down at the ratty pair of underwears that were on my body, that were at least a good year or two (or more, but wow, I already feel filthy so we’ll stop at two years) old and second guessed my entire life up until this point. 

I mean, every six months?? Bras are expensive, Reader!! In case you don’t know, to support these cha-chas on my chest, it’s at least a fiddy, if not more! And I’d need a minimum of four bras, and that’s doing a lot of handwashing. 

Let’s do the math: That’s $200 bones, or $400 a year just on bras. 

Now for the panties part. 

I’d need at least seven pair. Let’s go with ten. I don’t do laundry as often as I should. Maybe twelve. That sounds safe. 

Each pair of underwear is four to seven dollars, right? I mean, for something with a little style, that doesn’t rouch up (I just made up that word, you can use it, Merriman-Webster, it’s better than your newest addition, emoji, and rouch is a good word sort of a combination of “ride” and “crotch” which aptly describes what I don’t want my undies to do!). 

So yeah, I want undies that don’t rouch up. And maybe they can have a little lace. And sometimes I want fuller coverage than others, so basically twelve pair will cover all my moods.  

Let’s do the math: $12 x 7 = shit, I’ve gotta get out my calculator…er…well, let’s do 12 x 5 = $60. I know that math. 

$60 x 2 times a year = $120. Plus the bras. We’re looking at $520/year in new undies. And that’s not counting socks. 

Actually, now that I’ve done the math it doesn’t seem like such an offensive amount. At least on the undies. I can swing that for sure, so I guess I should be doing a little more for my apparel down there. 

I buy new stuff. I just usually don’t toss out everything else that I’ve owned.  I’m not ritualistic about it. I just buy some stuff occasionally as I walk through Target. I thought that was fine. I didn’t realize I needed a scheduled purge or else I’m just a sloppy underwear-wearer.  

But what do you, Reader? Do you throw out your entire underwears twice a year?  Once a year? What is the proper amount? And do you keep your “standbys” during the cleanse? Or is it “Everything Goes?” Am I normal, Reader, and the other lady is the quaker?  Because basically no one pays that much attention to their underwear except movie stars and strippers? What is the proper underwear-wearing time limit? I just. don’t. know. 

I’d like to insert an official survey here to get some real feedback and data-points and other official sounding stuff, but I’m not smart enough to know how to do that. So either tell me in comments the proper way to handle this whole underwear refresh business, or just say it in your own head and move on to other things. I’m not hear to boss you, Reader.  I’m just trying to keep my ladyparts up-to-date. 

One thought on “Lady Business

  1. Soooooo… I feel like I should go incognito (I almost said 'commando' – hah!) because of what I am about to reveal but it's Friday afternoon and I just don't have the energy.

    Bras – I have ample assets. Really ample. My bras, too, cost about $50 each. It takes a lot of architecture to support what I've got going on. I replace them when they get tired, which is probably about every 15-18 months. I work them like sled dogs until they don't have another run in them.

    Undies – Uhhhh, this is the hard part. I replace my panties only when they get so holey that my mother would be embarrassed if I were in a car accident and had to have my pants cut off or I don't have anything appropriate for removal in an intimate moment. I buy new ones when I feel like it or I've started to throw out the holey ones and the undies drawer is low. I have underwear so old that I don't remember buying them. What? I wash the delicate little things! I don't even turn them inside out for a second wear before I wash them!

    Also, 12 seems like a bare minimum number. I would feel naked with less than a good two dozen pair available.

    Also, you forgot the comfy and/or "it's these or nothing" category of unmentionables. The underwear we wear on the days when the world is such a hard place that even panty elastic is too painful to endure.

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