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The Bang Bang Theories

Getting Dickered

Well, Reader, I think I’ve found the answer.  The reason prostitution was invented was because some gal back in the olden days had a garage sale and realized she could make more money with less stress and backbreaking work giving a ten-minute blowjob. And less dickering over the price. Probably. 

So yeah.  That garage sale was a lot of days of effort for very low return.  I guess not so surprisingly we had a lot of interest in electronics, video games, sports memorabilia and a bunch of collectible stuff my uncle contributed to the cause. But I guess not so surprisingly, no one wanted much of anything else. Meaning my stuff. So those tables of glassware and knick knacks are still pretty much loaded, like we never had a garage sale. 

Day 1, Thursday, had a good amount of people.  Day 2, Friday, yielded about 6 customers and equal amount of dollars.  We shut the door at 1:30 and went to the movies. Where we blew all our profits+ seeing Jurassic World in 3D and in the D-Box seats, so the ultimate way to see a Dinosaur’s Gone Wild event and also the ultimate way to spend $37 on a matinee, not including popcorn. We movie-d like rich people, and not like a couple of unemployed garage sale losers.

By the third day of the sale, Saturday, there was no fucking way I was hauling my ass out of bed at 8 a.m. to sit in my driveway.  I didn’t care what I said in the ad. I was delusional when I thought I could garage sale for three days from 8 a.m. – 5:30 p.m.  

My friendie The Hoff showed up around 1:00 p.m. on Saturday and caught me sitting at the kitchen table, unshowered and in my pajamas, with the garage door closed.

“Um, is this a new way to have a garage sale that I don’t know about?” 

She shamed me into showering and opening the door.  

All that effort netted about six customers for the remainder of the afternoon, and other than my neighbor buying a lot of my purses, we netted about six bucks for the effort. My neighbor, however, spent about $45, so I basically could have just invited her over for a cuppa coffee and sold her my purses for a lot less effort. 

At the end of the three days I was sore and stiff and exhausted and tired of getting negotiated down on the cost of all my stuff. Some guy actually tossed a brand new, never opened Star Wars Target-Exclusive-with-a-medallion-included-and-everything DVD set back with a hurumph of disgust because I wouldn’t come down from the $5 price tag. Five bucks was just too damn much. 

I knew it was going to be like that.  I did. I just didn’t think I’d get so annoyed. To the point that I’m ready to keep half of the shit I had planned on selling, because everyone can fuck off that thinks two bucks is one buck too much. 

So yeah. With all that, we’re doing it again for one more day. This coming Thursday, because everything is already set up.  We’re going to re-arrange the tables, take more pictures, get rid of some of my shit and add more collectibles and sports stuff and open the garage door. 

Probably before noon. 

But I can’t make any guarantees.

p.s. – I need to give special mention to my Fairy Godmothers who stopped by before the sale, waved their magic wants, wherein that means they worked their asses off for eight solid hours helping me get tables set up in the garage, and then came back to help me on Opening Day. Couldn’t have done it without you. Hillary Clinton nailed it – Takes a Village. I’m pretty sure a garage sale was what she meant.

oh, and p.p.s. – Didn’t sell any hotdogs. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. So now I have 120 hotdogs sitting in my fridge.  Come over for dinner. You’ll never guess what we’re having. 

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