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The Bang Bang Theories

What I’ve Put In My Mouth Lately

Well, good evening, Reader. To liven things up around here, I’ve decided to start a new monthly spot called, “What I’ve Put In My Mouth Lately.” 

You’re welcome. 

Mostly I’m going to focus on things that are new to my mouth, but I’m not going to rule out the possibility of posting about something that was just so good in my mouth, I need to talk about it. 

Our debut item comes straight from the big-box club of Sam. It was mega-sample day there today and we were putting all sorts of things in our mouths, but this looked the most risky, and gave us our nicest surprise. 

I’m not sure at all what the fuck a kumato is, and spellcheck doesn’t know, either, because it keeps trying to autocorrect it to “lunatic.” Which I found apropo, because it looks sort of like a rotten tomato, all brown and green, and yet I put it right in my mouth, like a lunatic.  Because it was free, and we all know if terrorists really wanted to take down the U.S., all they’d really have to do is give away free poisoned food samples somewhere and they’d wipe us all out.  No need to take flight lessons, Al Qaeda, just take a cooking class. Dear God, do you think typing that sentence is going to get my on the Homeland Security watch list??? If I’m not able to fly to my vacation at the end of this month, I blame you, Kumato! 

Anyway. The Kumato was quite a tasty surprise. It was like a tomato, but with a somewhat sweeter note that pleasantly surprised the tongue. 

We liked them enough to put a pack in our cart, and it certainly wasn’t because the sample-giver-out-ter sold us on them. She totally hated her job today. If she could have shot us all in the face with jizz, she would have jizzed right on us. And she was OLD, which made her would-be behavior even more inappropriate. We walked up to get our sample and she was bitching about the people right before us who didn’t put the lid back on the ranch dressing bottle, and I swear she was about to say, “those cocksuckers” or at the very least she was thinking of calling them mother fuckers. Hey, I didn’t say it, Reader – blame the old lady. She had a mouth on her.  Her demeanor had a mouth on her, even if it didn’t make it all the way past her lips. Believe you me, she was thinking all those thoughts. 

So there you have it. The Kumato.  New to my mouth, and life is the better for it. 
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