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The Bang Bang Theories

Itsy Bitsy

The other night I pulled in the driveway after a looooooong day at Tiny Town. I’m talking LONG. So long, it was dark by the time I pulled into the driveway. 

And guess what I saw? 

You’ll never guess. So I’ll just tell you.

My headlights from my car lit up the garage door. 

And I saw the Tarzan of Spiders rappelling down the door. 

He was the size of a grapefruit. Well, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Because if I have grapefruit-sized spiders here that’s not going to end well for either of us. I’ll be Agent Orange-ing the entire ravine. 

Tarzan was B.I.G. He had a giant leg span, and a round, thick black body, like if plums had legs. Small plums, like that kind that might grow on your backyard tree (if you had a plum tree), and didn’t take care of the tree, so you had a tree full of stunted growth plums. 

He was about that size. 

Swinging down the face of the garage, back and forth, in a very considered pattern. 

He did not look frightened at all, he had no fear that anyone, including the person with the bright lights shining on him, was going to oh, say, squash his guts out. Nope. He was the John McClain of spiders, Yippee kiyay, Motherfuckers. 

I, however, looked frightened, and so I just sat in my car. 

And waited. For what, I’m not sure. Because once he disappeared from sight, then I was still too frightened to get out of the car, because NOW THE JACK BAUER OF SPIDERS WAS ON THE GROUND. 

If there’s one thing that’s more threatening than a Die Harder spider on the garage, it’s a Jack Bauer spider on the ground. 

Near my feet. 

In my open-toed sandals.  

So I just sat out in my driveway for a good long while, until it started to get a little weird and I figured ol’ Mr. Tarzan-John-Jack Spider had made his way down to the ravine to catch a deer or a zombie for his dinner and wouldn’t be interested in my smelly feet with unpolished toenails. 

Then I opened the door and ran into the house as fast as I could. Like a boss. Only the opposite, more like a frightened sissy afraid of spiders. 

So yeah, I’m still afraid of my house. 

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