web analytics
The Bang Bang Theories

Don’t Judge a Magazine By It’s Utilitarian Cover.

I really cannot believe I’m so late to the party. “Which party is that?”, you may be wondering. Well, the party that’s between the pages of Consumer Reports, Reader. THAT party.

Yeah, you read that right. 

I had. No. Idea. What a wealth of information was nestled between the covers of that very manly-and-uninspiring-looking magazine. Uninspiring in the exact opposite way that Sephora inspires me, that is. Pretty shiny colors and sparkle and kapow pop off the pages at Sephora. It compels me to read. 

But Consumer Reports? They must know they’ve got the goods and don’t need to be showy. It’s an understated demeanor, all towny and sophisticated. 

It was that very understated cover that made me throw the magazine right at Joanne’s head with contemptuous disgust when we were on vacation and she pulled out her reading material to share.  I even said something along the lines of, “Consumer Reports?? What kinda fucking vacation reading material is that??” 

I like to fry my brain with tales of Snooki and who the Kardashian’s are dating while I’m frying my delicate-rose skin. People Magazine? Yes, thank you.

Of course, I write that, but the magazines I brought with me for vacation reading? Reader’s Digest and Prevention magazine. 

Jezzus, we travel like a couple-a old – OLD – not middle-lifed – ladies with our reading materials. Consumer Report. Reader’s Digest, Prevention magazine. Boys!! The party’s this-a-way!! Come-and-get-it! 

And I had the NERVE to disparage Joanne’s mag-of-choice?? How the hell dare I?  

Well. I dared. 

And after a few bits of lying about in the sun, I picked up the Consumer Reports. And was quickly engulfed in learning all about top-rated toilet papers. 

I am not kidding. All laid out, right there, with accompanying reviews and price and where to get it. 

I devoured the two issues Joanne had brought for the trip, learning about lawn mowers and electronics and cars with good gas mileage. I longed for more when I was done scouring those issues from cover-to-cover. 

Yes. Say it. I’m old. 

However. I have a very clean butt since switching from Charmin (Rated #11) to the #2 choice. 

I keep searching for their #1 recommendation, available at Walmart, but haven’t been able to find it:  White Cloud Ultra 3-Ply Ultra Soft & Thick.  I will keep up my search. 

I do have to say that I’m not completely in love with my #2 choice, Quilted Northern Ultra Plush – it kicks up a lot of “dust” when you unravel it from the roll.  I’m going to continue my quest to find their #1 and will report back if I feel it lives up to the CR hype. I give you so much, Reader. You’re welcome. 

Joanne bought me a subscription upon our return home. I cannot WAIT to get my very own first issue in the mail. I’m going to create a filing cabinet for them, because this wealth of information should never get pitched out. Oh nosiree. These are keepers. Right next to my Reader’s Digests and Prevention magazines. Old people? Stop on over. I’m all geared up for company with fun conversation starters. 

And I’d like to know how exactly one goes about getting a job with Consumer Reports. Because this, reader? Would be my Dream Job. 

Consumer Reports? Contact me, please. I think we could have a grand love affair testing and reviewing products together. 

2 thoughts on “Don’t Judge a Magazine By It’s Utilitarian Cover.

  1. Bwah ha ha! Yes! CR is a great magazine … one of those that I've enjoyed under the cover of "Oh, it's my dad's and there's nothing else to read." But you are inspiring me to come out of the CR closet.

    Also? I totally want to hear about your testing of different toilet paper. Seriously. CR should partner with you as their tester on the street. Or pot. Whichever.

Comments are closed.

Scroll To Top