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The Bang Bang Theories

Guest Cat, Thy Name is Farkus

“She stares out at us from behind the chair with her yellow eyes. She has yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!”

We’re cat-sitting. My co-worker, who is my co-worker no more as of Friday since he quit his job (Gasp! Gulp! Yes! In this economy!! Quit a high-paying, low-rewarding job, and frankly I couldn’t admire him more) and booked a train trip across the country for the next few weeks.

I got him into his cat-mess about a year and a half ago, when he was thinking about getting a cat and I plopped one down in his waiting arms. So I volunteered to watch this yellow-eyed pussy cat while he travels. How bad could it go? They’re all cats, they’ll eventually get along. Right? Right??

She was dropped off around 3 p.m. today and we were lulled into a false sense of cohesion. Toby sniffed her, they all took a good look at her and my cats then went about their business, which is batting a toy, eating some crunchy cat food and licking themselves. They couldn’t care less.

So we went to the movies and figured they’d all make happy happy nice nice in the meantime. We saw that new Bruce Willis cop movie and it was quite funny, btw. And when we came home, Delaney the Guest Cat was hiding up in my recliner so we had to tip it up and prod her out.

She lunged at my face. And she’s got full-frontal Weapons of Cat Destruction. Luckily my own cat-like reflexes prevented her from marring me. But I’m pretty afraid of her, that’s for sure. We spent a good half an hour trying to catch her with a blanket so that we could at least show her where the litter box is located, but she outsmarted us. And when I was just sitting in my chair, with my arm on the armrest, she attacked it. And not in a ‘isn’t this fun, let’s play!” sorta way.

Her beady little glinting yellow eyes strike fear in my soul. She’s trying to hiss down Girl Cat, but Girl Cat basically gave her the, “Oh no you di’int just hiss at me, Be-yotch, I am NOT afraid of YOU, you are on my turf and I’m such a tough street badass I’ve caught chipmunks with my bare-muthafuckin‘-paws, so check yourself” hiss right back at her. Girl’s not afraid of her. But I am. I fear she will eat our eyes out while we sleep tonight.

She hasn’t eaten, drank anything shit or pissed since she’s arrived. She has hissed and lunged and scratched. And stared out from behind the television with her beady little yellow eyes, plotting our demise.

Kenny told her daddy that if we have her more than two weeks, he’ll come back to a declawed cat. But first, we’d have to catch her.

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