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The Bang Bang Theories

A Wrinkle In Time

I’ve had a cough since December. Not just a polite little “huh-huh”, but a guttural wracking cough that has caused me to 1/ pee my pajama pants on occasion 2/have my life threatened to be suffocated outta me with a pillow by my Mr. and 3/ – and so far the WORST THING IMAGINABLE – 3/. I noticed a deepening vertical crease between my brow, in the EXACT PLACE my face furrows when I cough.

Reader, I have spent thousands of dollars and have committed years and years of dedicated moisturizing to prevent such creases. I began hyper-moisturizing maintenance when I was twelve years old. Twelve. That’s a lot of years, but I’ve prided myself on not having road maps on my face. A few light laugh lines, sure. But furrows – Never. Until now. I’m on a three-point plan of attack:

  1. Gallons of water and green tea consumption
  2. Continuous smoothing out of the brow area with delicate fingertips, especially during a coughing fit
  3. Investment in new skin care routine, to the tune of $62.50 for the new Oil of Olay Professional something-or-other, money-back-guarantee bottles of promise

And I may have to go get this cough checked out. It’s a smoker’s cough, and I’ve never even smoked. My new manager is on a mission with our corporate maintenance department to check the air quality of our area, as everyone is sick with something and who knows, it may be related. It started when I got moved to my new office back in December. My new cube just happens to be the place that a sewage flood occurred back in the Fall. Related or coincidence? Well, I don’t know, but if I find out it’s the source, I’ll be demanding compensation in the form of Botox. Who cares about my overall health as long as I remain unfurrowed. I have priorities.

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