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The Bang Bang Theories

The Great Escape

Fun Fact:  Every time I use a public restroom, I do a silent evaluation of it’s design for successful evasion of a Terminator.  

Because don’t we all do that same evaluation, Reader??

I mean, it’s an important thing to consider, and if you think it couldn’t happen, so did Sarah Connor and we both know that she was in grave danger while she was just la-dee-dah-deeing her way though the evening until she realized a TERMINATOR was after her and she tried to hide in an ill-equipped-for-hiding-from-a-Terminator public bathroom.

So I’ve been studying and learning, Reader.

It always pays to be prepared for a Terminator Evasion.

You may be asking what criteria makes for a well-equipped-for-Terminator-evasion bathroom.

Let’s do it by the numbers, Reader, since we’re already in the room for doing a number one and/or a number two.

#1 – A place to HIDE where you can’t be spied from underneath the doorway. 

When I first pushed open the door for this food court restroom in a suburban mall, I was struck by the wide and stable ledge right above the toity, which even my non-limber legs could access. And did I mention it was WIDE? You could easily climb from the toilet onto that ledge and keep yourself hidden from underneath-the-door-looking Terminators.

As an aside, it also had a nice wall treatment that would make any Househunters-Twenty-Year-Old-Newlywed Couple on a billion-dollar budget proud.

The bathroom below also passed muster, despite it’s lack of a built-in shelf.  There was solid wall to partially obscure the back of the toilet, which could keep you well-hidden from Terminator View, if you were pancake thin at least. In fact, this might even be BETTER than a full-size shelf, as perhaps a Terminator Eye can’t see through that super-solid wall, which we hope is crafted from impenetrable*-by-a-terminator-eye steel.

*wow oh wow, Reader, did I have a tough time figuring out how to spell impenetrable – some attempts include imprentatble, inpenatrrable, imprentatable  … I finally had to ask My Mister because I was confusing Google! and as he asked me what I was trying to spell, I had such a difficult time even pronouncing the word I had to provide this definition for him to try to help me:  Him: “what are you trying to spell??” TBB: “you know, that word for when something is so solid, even Superman’s eyes can’t see through it.”

#2/ Solid-closing doors, without any thigh-gap. 

Reader, we’ve all been in those public restrooms that leave a lot of door gap between you and the people at the sink. It’s unsettling, and frankly unnecessary.

These doors were in a MCDONALD’s, and if they can get the doors to snuggly meet the walls, well, surely every other public restroom should be able to do so, too.

Also, nice work on the stripes, McDonalds. You must be spending your evenings and weekends watching a lot of HGTV as well.

#3/ Enough space between stall and ceiling where you can CLIMB over your stall wall and into a neighboring stall, as you elude capture and subsequent death from a Terminator. 

Floor-to-ceiling fancy bathroom stalls are not going to cut it in the event that a damn Terminator is after you to thwart your attempt to make a future baby that can save the future world.

This bathroom was spot-on in it’s design for stall hopping.

First, of course the ledge above the toilet extended the full length of the very spacious stall. That stall was so roomy, in fact, you could have a full-out anxiety attack complete with hyperventilating and the need to pace back and forth for a moment to collect your thoughts as you come to the decision to climb up and over.

The INGENIOUS part of this design?? The package and purse hooks NEAR the ledge, positioned right where you’d need a little foot boost up as you climbed over.

#3/ A second escape route from the bathroom. 

One escape route is never a good idea, Reader, yet almost every public restroom only has one in/out door. I’ve yet to find one with a solid, accessible second egress.

I think those are transom windows at the top??

In reviewing this photo, I believe those are transom windows, but I’m not sure if they were decorative only, or if they could be busted out and you could shimmy through and escape a Terminator. It seems like you wouldn’t win, so let’s talk about the last item needed to escape a Terminator in a public restroom.

#4/ A Distraction.

Maybe your very best weapon to distract a terminator could come from the very reason you went into the public restroom to begin with.

I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying.  Use your resources. Most of us don’t carry a vat of molten led in our purses to stop a Terminator. It’s the closest you can come to having an acid material at your disposal, and maybe – just maybe – it could work for a momentary distraction while you ran outta there and into the arms of Kyle Reese where you proceed to make your future save-the-world baby.

At the very least, using the Distraction that God Gave You could potentially thwart the evil of Michael Myers, because if you’ve seen the latest Halloween Movie, you should be even more aware of your public restroom escape routes, Reader.

Fighting a Terminator or a Michael Myers is no time to be a lady.

Those are the tips I’ve been cultivating for many years now, Reader.  And you’ve been wondering why I haven’t written the next Great American Novel. My head is plumb full-up with the logistics of escaping from a public restroom in the event a futuristic metal man is after me.

May the odds be ever in your favor should you face a Terminator in a public restroom. You can thank me later.

ps. guys, now you know why girls spend so much time in the restroom. we’re taking pictures to document our escape methods.

pps. yes, i’ve taken pictures of public restrooms, in the name of RESEARCH, Reader, for YOU. Because I’m an EDUCATOR, and not a creepy-public-restroom-photo-taker. I should get awarded a Ph.D for this dissertation and also a Nobel Peace Prize for my dedication to Humanity vs. Terminators.  it’s an unfair world and I do my work without an expectation of kudos, Reader. You’re welcome anyway.

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