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The Bang Bang Theories

The Writing’s on The Wall. Sort of.

You, Reader, may well be wondering why the hell I haven’t been giving you good blog. Or even bad blog for that matter.  We both thought I’d be banging out stories day in and day out with my newfound luxury of time.

Just like almost every one of my best-laid plans, it’s gone astray and here we are sitting in the Dog Daze of summer already.

I have been somewhat productive during my luxury of time era.  I’ve been working on an updated resume, and have had a couple of live interviews, which so far I’ve heard crickets about, which is frankly plain rude, Jobs, because you’ve had the good fortune of spending time with me, at least say nope, but this is the way of the world it seems.  Flanked in rudeness.

I’d like to report that my house is sparkling clean during this time, but that would be a lie. I mean, it’s clean-er most of the time, anyway, but I seem to always get waylaid by a whole buncha non-fun ways of getting way laid.

Just yesterday I went to the closet to get out my Hoover Hardwood Floor cleaner, and it wasn’t in there. Befuddled, I went to the garage to look around, thinking I may have shoved it in there for some reason.


Not there either.

It’s a pretty big item, Reader. It’s not a teensy-weensy hand-held thing.  It’s the size of an upright vacuum because it’s an upright vacuum.

So. That begs the question, “Where the fuck is my hardwood floor cleaner??”

Did the cats sell it on Ebay to pay for their Pounce addiction?

Did a rouge cleaning bandit break into Chez Bang Bang and STEAL my cleaner??

We both know for a fact that My Mister didn’t use it and store it someplace else. Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahha!!! Right, Reader. Shew-ieeee, that’s a good one.

I haven’t even asked him because I already know how that conversation would go down:
MM: “Uh, what? What did it look like? We had a hardwood floor cleaner? Do you mean the carpet cleaner??”
TBB: “Nope, not the carpet cleaner. The HOOVER hardwood floor cleaner, not the BISSEL carpet cleaner. You remember, I bought it, I used it a few times, it left streaks on the floor so I didn’t love it and shoved it in the laundry room closet??”

MM: “Nope. Never heard of this before right now. Are you sure we had one?”

TBB: Bangs head on wall, creating more dirt from the crumbling drywall.

I wanted to try to use it again, this time with no soap, just water and rubbing alcohol and vinegar, instead of their cleaning solutions that just attract dirt. But who. the. fuck. even knows where it is.  Not me, that I know.

I’ve had some other things that I used to have mysteriously disappear. It always befuddles me when I see a past photo that I’m in and I wonder, “What ever happened to that shirt/necklace/ring/pants??” Just the other day I saw a photo with a shirt I used to like wearing, and I haven’t seen it in eons.

I rechecked my closet, thinking it was in there and I’ve just been overlooking it. Nope. And by the way, my closet was VERY easy to check, because during my Luxury of Time Era, I took out all my “work” clothes and shuffled them to the upstairs closet, and then sorted and arranged what was left by color, because I want to make Marie Kondo proud, but she would not be proud at the loss of a big vacuum thing and a shirt.

Maybe that shirt got stuck in with the clothes I’ve moved to the spare closet, which is what I’ll have to go check next, and maybe the vacuum somehow got relocated to the basement, which I”ll have to go check after that, and you, Reader, want to know why I don’t have time for us?? This is why!! I spend all my time checking and looking and looking and checking. Apology accepted.

When I’m not looking for things that should be in the house, or booking cruises, which I just booked ANOTHER ONE yesterday, Reader, and am looking for a date, by the way – I’ve got an invitation out there, but I have not heard her say Yes to the Dress yet, which in this case the dress is actually the Harmony of the Seas, wherein I scored a practically FREE balcony stateroom with the only caveat that I have to go on 9/1, which means I’ll be back from my CUBA trip on 8/21, then hosting my girlie friendie from NY on the 22-27th-ish, then repacking my bags to get on the Harmony on 9/1, and how the hell did I ever have time to work before is the real question, Reader.

When I’m not doing ALL THAT, I’ve been trying to get reacquainted with my muse, who inspired me just this morning to create the cover of my book I’m working on! Yes, I’m mostly working on it in my head, but I decided that this morning over a cuppa coffee was the perfect time to manifest the cover and the rest will soon follow.

You’re welcome once again.

It’s coming.  You have been warned. I mean tantalized.


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