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The Bang Bang Theories

Up & Adam

Are you there, God? It’s me, Trixie.

*no, I’m not going to talk about getting my period. I have some couth. But mostly I’m not going to talk about that because I’m fifty-one for crissake, and me and my period parted ways several years ago, without so much as a proper goodbye. It was just gone, never to be seen again, and I guess I went through menopause but I never really noticed it, except for the wayward hair that now sprouts from the bridge of my nose and needs to be constantly monitored. It’s like I’m trying to be a unicorn in my next fiddy-years, except with a black hair as my magical horn. Maybe I’ve been plucking out my mystical powers all this time.

Here’s what I want to talk to God about.


1. Why do mornings have to come so quickly and so early?

2. Why did you make sleep so damn delicious only to force me to get yanked out of it by creating a world with harsh morning rules?

3. In a world with harsh morning rules, why couldn’t I have been created as a morning person?

4. My mother was in labor for like forty-million hours, because I refused to come out of her womb until 10:00 a.m.

5. Even then I didn’t want to come out willingly, so the doctor at the time retch up there and grabbed me by my widdle-bitty-baby arm and yanked me out of there.

6. Thanks, doctor, because you jacked up my what-was-a-perfect arm before it even had a chance to be a star pitcher for an all-girls baseball team. Or a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, because with my crooked arm, I could never execute a cartwheel.

7. Plus, you turned me into a lefty, not by nature at all, but by force.

8. There’s been a crook in my arm ever since, if you ever wondered why.

9. Ironically, that doctor’s name was Dr. Best, which is a misnomer.

10. This is not at all why we came here this morning. We came to complain about morning coming so early.

11. I resist getting up early even when I have something fun to look forward to.

12. Even though this is my holiday-day-off, I don’t have something fun to look forward to.

13. I’m up early because my father fell a few weeks ago, is in a rehab facility, but wants to get out and go “check on the house” this morning, despite it being checked on several times per day.

14. Don’t try to rob the house, Bad Guys. There’s nothing you’d want, and p.s., it’s hillbilly alarmed which could mean any number of booby-traps are set.

15. I somehow committed to, “Sure, I’ll be out there at 10:30!” which means I had to set my alarm on my day off, which goes against everything that is holy and sacred in my world.

16. Despite my snoozing the alarm thirty-billion times this morning, I decided I will not forgo my morning cuppa coffee on the deck and write this nonsense that was crafting itself in my hypnagogic state.

17. No, that’s not a typo, look it up and learn something today. I’m like a teacher, giving you a homeschooling lesson right now. We’ll have a graduation ceremony for you once you write me a fifty-trillion-word essay on what an influence I’ve been in your life. Good or bad, your choice. On what sort of influence I’ve been, not on how well you write. I will judge your writing. Even though I mostly don’t follow the rules myself. As your homeschooling teacher, it’s my duty to send you off into the world with something. I’m not sure what exactly, though.

18. It’s early and my brain is still in bed. It took a benadryl last night because allergies.

19. I have to go to the grocery store today because I’m out of coffee creamer. That is the impetus that drives me the grocery store. Actual food? Not as important. Coffee creamer? Emergency conditions.

20. On that note the morning isn’t getting any longer, and it’s time to get ready.

*is it “up and adam” and we’ve been saying it wrong forever and ever amen, Reader? Because the saying could actually be “up and Adam” as in the first man God created with clay and dinosaur bones, and therefore “Hey, Adam – time to get to it!”  And all this time you thought it was at ’em, which makes less sense than Adam, and now it’s like I’m your Sunday school teacher, too, because until now you didn’t even know man was made with the bones of dinosaurs.

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