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The Bang Bang Theories

I don’t need it to rain Men, Weather Girls. Money will suffice.

Some days life is two steps forward and twenty steps back. You’d think with all these steps I’d be a skinny-minny, but unfairly the backwards steps don’t seem to count, except toward the grey hairs on my head.

I wanted to write a post of all the things I heart, but then my day became stupid and I lost sight of the good stuff.

This morning I spent a good hour or more sorting through a bin of mail that had piled up and had subsequently been stuffed into a drawer so I could completely ignore it address it at a later date because I hate the mail. Mostly, anyway. Even the good stuff, except for unexpected checks in the mail, which I DID receive because I opened what looked like a piece of junk as part of my due-diligence to the project today, as I made an agreement with myself to open every single thing and address it so the stack could disappear.

What looked like a piece of junk was actually a teensy little bit of money. From February. I guess it was my Valentine’s Day gift from Discover. 

I thought by addressing the myriad of bills and pile of papers I would feel lightened up on the inside.

I’ve been feeling weighted down for months now, Reader. In spirit.  Not every day or all the time, but just an underlying hum of heaviness around my spirit, as if Life itself were trying to dim my brilliance, but I can’t have that so I figured maybe just maybe some of it was because I had this container of shit I’ve been ignoring literally since October.

And I was feeling a smidge better as I whittled down that pile. I paid off a bunch of stuff – medical bills and whatnot from my first and second foot injury over the past couple of years. I just figured I would just write some big checks, cry on the inside, and deal with it all once and for all and move forward.

Not an hour after I accomplished that and was feeling a little bit accomplished, I went to empty the dishwasher and discovered the bottom filled with dirty water.

So I bailed it out. And then later K came in and got the filter thing off and it was all gunked up, but not the cause of the sitch. Because I ran a short load and it didn’t drain again.

Now I’m pricing out a new dishwasher, or a fix for this one, which according to my calculations is going to be in the neighborhood of $250 or so, for parts and a HandyDan. And that’s a conservative estimate.

I’ve been selling a bunch of crap recently to pad my bank account and fund my next vacay – including selling a Prada wallet for $300 bucks, and then misc. things like a Tiffany ring, and a pair of sunnies I never wear, and things of that nature.  The dishwasher is trying to waylay my plans.

Except. I’ve got an old-fashioned plan, which is washing the dishes in the sink, with my hands. That works, too, ya know, Universe! (except I’m not challenging you, Universe, at all, because I know you have the powers to stick it to me any ol’ time you wish).

This development wouldn’t be quite as annoying, except for the fact that a couple of weeks ago, along with a blanket,  I threw my iPhone into the washing machine.

Guess how long it takes for an iPhone that’s been through an entire wash cycle to dry out in a bag of rice and work again?

Never is the answer, Reader. It couldn’t come back from that.

To my utter surprise, service providers don’t offer free or cheap phones with their service plans any longer. I remember the olden days (four or so years ago!) when the phones were practically free if you signed a two year contract. Which I’m going to have the service anyway, I don’t care about signing a contract.

For my next surprise, I discovered a phone is as expensive – if not more so – than my very first used car, and it’s also more expensive than a bottom-end dishwasher. I went three days without a phone while I reconciled that price in my mind.

It’s still not completely reconciled, but I figured a phone is just a thing ya need nowadays, especially since I don’t have a landline. So I bought a new phone this month, and now possibly a new dishwasher because appliances are out to stick it to me. Obviously.

When it rains, it pours. But why can’t it rain money?


**I had originally titled this “I don’t need it to rain men, Annie Lenox. And then I fact-checked myself and per usual with my knowing song artists — completely wrong. Humpf. I thought that was an annie lenox song all this time. Who knew. Not counting everyone else.

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