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The Bang Bang Theories

Fancy Feets

While we’re on the subject of Trixie Bang Bang’s Stinky Body Parts, I figured it best to stay on topic with what my body is doing lately.

Because I might as well completely gross you out, or my job is only half done, and no one likes a quitter unless you’re a smoker, and then I truly appreciate quitters. Unless you’re smoking a little Mary Jane, and then I know you’re doing it for your health because that’s the only way it’s legal.  And we all are striving towards better health. So toke up, is what I’m saying. Legally, of course. I’m not here to encourage debauchery. At least not in writing. In an open-to-the-world format. Ahem.

~puts ciggy down, sips coffee~

So if you’ve been here before, you know that I’ll try just about anything that promises better health/dewrinkled skin/weight loss/fuller eyelashes/beautiful tans/shiny hair etc, and I’m even less discriminatory if that item comes with an under-ten-dollars price tag, and even less less discriminatory if it happens to be on a shelf at TJ Maxx.

Somehow those items just pop right into my shopping cart and I can’t rationalize a good enough reason to take ’em back out because usually they are less then the cost of a McDonald’s Awful Meal, so I say in my head, “eh, what the hell, let’s give it a whirl” which is exactly how detoxifying maxi pads for my feet ended up in my bedroom this weekend.

They promise to enhance my metabolism, improve circulation, energize me, bring optimal balance and pain relief, all naturally. For $5.99. That is a whole lotta promise for under six bucks.

To reiterate, it would be stupidly foolish to pass this up, amiright, Reader? Yes, I am.

I did hesitate with this purchase for a moment, because I am not quite sure that putting something on my feet – which still has an infected blister hole – is where I want to draw more toxins to, but then I said in my brain, “well, just put ’em on one foot, removing half the toxins is better than none of the toxins and then I get twice as many pads that way, too, so win-win.” And in my cart they went, along with a new mop which broke on my first use so it’s going back to TJ Maxx because it was $20. I will spend twice as much money on items from TJ Maxx that promise me clean and shiny floors. It’s another of my financial weakness indulgences.

So after an emotionally draining Saturday I was putting myself to bed and saw my recent magic foot pad purchase sitting there on the nightstand and figured I have a lot of toxins that must be floating around, if my recent stinky armpits are any indication, and should try them out.

The package disclaimer indicates that the should ideally be used when you can afford a good eight hours of sleep, and I scoffed at that child’s play recommendation because comeon. I can get eight hours of sleep with my eyes closed. Literally.

In fact, when I woke up for good this morning – not the 9 a.m. waking where I just got up to pee – I pondered the time out loud and asked My Mister with a trace of disgust at the slothy-ness of our lives if we’d once again slept til noon.

Nope, we did not, is the answer.  It was twenty to one. In the afternoon. Well played, Clock. Well played.

Now, before you come over and check me for bedsores, I was up on and off throughout yesterday’s evening, putting aways some laundry, kissing kittens, watching Guy Fiery eat a bunch of deliciously described foods that made me hungry and all we had was Arbonne shake powder, which is actually quite delicious and I made myself a shake and drank it with glee, and anyway I was only resting, from the time I put on my jammies and tucked into bed around 7 p.m. until about 1 a.m., not actually sleeping.

I started my job of actual sleeping around one-ish, which puts my sleeping hours at only eleven hours and forty minutes. Stop judging me, Reader! I have toxins in my body! And I’ve had a lot of emotions this weekend and needed to sleep it off, much like drunk Otis in the Andy Griffin show, who would just lock himself up to get a good nights worth when he’d had a snoot full.

But back to the business at hand, which was deciding to rid myself of toxins while I slept, which is also my favorite way to self-care, and can they please invent exercise that happens while I’m fast asleep, thanks in advance, Inventors.

With a lot of skepticism, I opened the pads and applied the first one to my left foot, which is also the “good” foot and not home to the fucking infected blister situation. After taking another hard read at the ingredients – mostly of which included different kinds of vinegars and rose hips, I decided to apply to the bottoms of both feet because now I didn’t want to jip the foot that really has toxins out of this magic toxic removing pad, and this is what it looked like once applied.

I mean, it’s not like vinegar solutions can mash bad things up into my skin, can it? I’m actually asking, that’s not rhetorical, I really don’t know and hadn’t considered that until just this second, and I sure hope that’s not the case. Vinegar is practically a magic elixer – it can lower blood pressure & diabetes, clean your windows to a sparkling shine, rid your coffee pot of scales and also your washing machine tub.  Surely putting a vinegar soaked pad on my foot can’t do any harm, right? Can it push bad stuff up into my foot as well as pulling stuff out of my feet?? How does this even work, really?? Is it a two-way street?? It seems a little crazy, as things don’t normally ooze outta the bottoms of my feet, except for stinkiness, so maybe toxins can actually drain out from there. I don’t know or pretend to know, Reader, is what I’m saying, all I know is I tried it.

When I woke up this afternoon at the crack of dawn this morning and pulled off my maxi-pads I sort of screamed a little in disgusted shock when the first one came off.

They looked like this, plus there was a sticky residue left behind on the bottoms of my feet and all I can say is just wow.

I went into the bathroom to scrub ’em up, and took a look in the mirror and I swear-to-fuck I noticed my under eye area was less puffy than it’s been in a very long while, and also my fingers did not feel swollen.

My feet have had a little bit of tingling sensation all day long, but a good tingle, like they DO feel rejuvenated, and not even achy in the arthritis areas, and is it all in my head?? Or is it actually in my feet???

I decided to reward the day by not wearing any undergarments, and just letting all my body parts have a free-wheeling good time. I don’t know what that decision actually has to do with magic feet maxi-pads, but I just felt a little bouncier today and decided to roll with it.

I even told My Mister later this evening to take a look at my face, my lips were forming a smile all on their own, without my even trying to think about being happy, and then I took a photo to capture it because it was a SMILE FORMING ALL ON IT’S OWN today, and let me tell you, it has NOT been my most favorite weekend of all time at all, so this is a BIG DEAL.

And yes I know you may not notice my depuffy eyes, but believe you me, with all the crying that’s happened around here lately, this is looking good and do not even try to steal my joy, I will not allow that one bit.

So the final verdict on the foot pads is, I want to open one up and just leave it on the nightstand and see if it turns the same yuckky color as the one that’s attached to my body tonight, but on the other hand I don’t want to waste it if it’s really doing something and it could be detoxin-ing me instead of sitting on the nightstand and getting stuck on Kitty Purry when she inevitably walks across it on the way to her nightstand water dish. It’s a Sophie’s Choice. To pad both feet or run the test. Only time will tell which road I take at bedtime.

Have you ever tried a toxin-pulling maxi-pad for your feet, Reader? Is it all in my head, or is there actually something to this and it’s a six dollar miracle?? Chime in. I may need to buy stock in this product. And then stick a couple under my arm pits just for good measure.

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