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The Bang Bang Theories

No One Will Believe It

I’ve been told by a very good friend of mine – “very good” in the sense she’s part of my Wolf Pack good – well, she’s a very honest wolf. Crushingly honest at times. Most times. She’s just not one to sugar coat things is what I’m saying. So when she tells you something, it’s the troof – or at the very least, her true feelings version of the troof.

When I was considering embarking on the Mary Kay skincare and make-up pushing business two years ago during my Funemployment era,  she informed me quite matter-of-factly,  “You don’t have a face that can sell make-up.”

You don’t have a face that can sell make up.

Was told right to that very face that can’t sell makeup.

Let that sink in.

However. Never one to heed someone’s unsolicited advice, I went ahead and figured, “I’LL SHOW YOU WHAT THIS FACE CAN DO!!” and proceeded to order a thousand plus dollars of Mary Kay products that I was going to sell the hell out of.  While I was unemployed. Smarty Cookie, that’s me.

And while it quite possibly was my face that couldn’t sell Mary Kay, I know for a fact that my brain was more of the stopper because I just am not up to going to house parties and pushing stuff on people even if I think it’s good stuff. It’s not my jam.

So the point is, I have an office filled with Mary Kay that very shortly I plan to unload for a song, Reader, so if that is your jam, stay tuned and I’ll hook you up with very good products at a fraction of the cost.

But that’s not the point of the story, in fact – not at all. The point of this story is, my face has been insulted right to it’s FACE, and so it really should have come as no surprise to me when on my last cruise vacation to Bermuda I received yet another insult about my face right to my face.

Royal Caribbean now has a thing during the sign-in process where you can upload a photo of yourself for your profile. They have parameters, such as no background distractions, nothing obsuring your face – those type of rules. So I uploaded a photo. The very photo that is posted here, in the “About Trixie Bang Bang” section of this blog.

It’s a good photo. I had several days of unwashed hair so it was nice and flat. I have just enough lip lift to not look bitchy, with direct eye contact as if I’m saying, “Hi Reader, I’m glad you’re here!” And of course the black and white hides a lot of facial distractions.  As a good photo does.

I uploaded it thinking they’d never use it to recognize me on the ship, but in case I turned up missing on the ship and they were flashing photos of me on the news this is the face I’d want them to flash and hold vigils around town with. It would look good with a lot of vigil candlelight glow.

We get to the ship and start the onboarding process and normally they take a new photo of you but the woman told me, “Nope, you’re good, we don’t need a new photo of you.”

So there I am, sailing on through and feeling smug that should I go overboard I’ve got a good photo for the television.

Then we get to the boarding of the ship. And I hand over my seapass card for them to scan- which they do for all comings and goings on the ship – and the man sees my pretty photo come up and stops me.

And points to the photo and while looking at me and says, “This is YOU??”

Me, slightly taken aback, replies somewhat indigently, “Yes, that’s me!”

With a slow shake of his head while looking right at me and pointing at the photo he says,  “No one will believe this is you. No one.”

I semi-shouted,  “I’m standing right here! You’re insulting me RIGHT TO MY FACE!”  And then my supportive friendies laughed and laughed and we all walked onto the ship, thinking that would be the last of it, except for them rubbing it in from time to time.

We thought wrong.

At our first stop in Bermuda, when getting off the ship, where once again I had to scan my seapass card, a different person there stopped me before I could get off the ship and said, “No. We need a new photo. No one will believe this is you.”

No one. Will believe. Your face is your face.

And they made me stand there and get a new photo, which was the most godawfully bad picture in the history of pictures, I think it was an up angle with a lot of neck and chin and nostrils and then I thought screw you, Cruise Ship People! And flounced off the ship and onto the beaches of Bermuda where my face that can’t sell make up or get recognized if its a photo that doesn’t look like it’s gone three rounds with a boxing kangaroo soothed it’s ego in the chilly waters that sweep the pink sand beaches.

I mean, I get it. Tropical weathers and humidity are not my friends. They frizz up my hair and red up my face. Apparently to the point where I’m unrecognizable. 

So there you have it, Face. You can’t sell make-up. And Real You is unrecognizable from black & white you.

It’s a tough crowd, this world, Reader.

It’s making me question my natural beauty!

I’m wearing face masks to bed:

And eye bag correctors: 

Basically, the point is, sometimes you take a good picture. Sometimes you don’t. If you’re boarding a cruise ship, use the worst version of yourself. It’s the only way you’ll be recognized. Apparently.

And oh, by the way, Reader. All that Mary Kay makeup and skin care? The blow-out sale is coming. Prove my Wolf Pack wrong, and buy some from me. Prove I do have a face that can sell make up so I can stuff a great big bag of “suck it” in her face.

*now that’s a twist on selling shit I never entertained before – the pity/revenge sales push!

**you really don’t have to buy anything from me. unless you use some of that stuff and want a good deal.

***you can leave a comment and tell me I’m pretty to try and rebuild my ego a bit. i’m not opposed to lies. i get plenty of truths. help to balance them out, Reader.

****another woman who was disembarking in front of me to Bermuda also was questioned about her photo. She was an African American woman, and the only reason I mention that is so you can put in your head the amount of sass that accompanied her response, “It’s called lipstick! I was wearing lipstick in that photo!!” and sassed herself right off the ship without having to get a new photo taken. I need to learn some black woman sass if I’m going to take this face around. Apparently.




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