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The Bang Bang Theories

Sunday Morning Coming Down

So these two things happened today, Reader, which has me questioning my life choices and also my agility.

#1/ This afternoon I suddenly became nauseated, right there out of the blue. I had been feeling fine, sleeping in on this quiet Sunday with no Big Things that I needed to do.  I had a cuppa coffee and a slice of date-nut cake for breakfast (Breakfast of Champions, if you’re the Champion of My 600 lb. Life), and messed around on the internets for a bit, and decided it was nap time.  Realized my knees are even l less bendy than their norm, calculated I hadn’t had my arthritis pills in a few days (inconsistent pill taker sometimes) and popped one before I bedded down for my 2 p.m. nap.

That’s when I started not feeling well. Could it be the cake? The coffee? What??

And then I realized I had taken a pill that wasn’t for mah aching joints. And then? I stayed in bed anyway and figured I’d figure it out once I got up. Because at that point, what can ya do, other than induce vomiting and I wasn’t up to that as it would be a waste of a perfectly good ingested date nut cake.

So I slept it off, asked Almighty Google once I awoke and realized it was some antibiotic from the spider-bite era (why did I have one left?? I took my entire prescription as instructed! I still have no idea why there was a bottle of one on the counter), and that the #1 side effect is nausea.

Mystery solved. And I went through all the bottles on the counter and tossed what’s not relevant to today. But ya know, I have to read these things more carefully, because while we were on vacation last month I took My Mister’s cholesterol pill because it was next to my toothbrush in the bathroom. Good thing there’s not random bottles of viagra in our household or I’d be walking around with a possible hard-on somewhere.

2/ After I got up from my nap and deduced why I had an upset bellyache I decided it was shower time, so we could go out and get some soothing hot tea and soup for dinner.   Stepping out of the shower I saw my whole entire neeked body in the mirror from the side, and I was afraid, Reader. Very Naked & Afraid.

The holidays and breakfasts of cakes have not been kind to 50-year-old-me, and it’s really not very nice of those delicious desserts. Why do they have to be so damn tasty??

The past few days, even prior to seeing my doughy likeness in the mirror, I have been proclaiming  out loud that on Monday I was going to go on a very reduced carb diet, because that’s what Dr. Nowzradan from My 600 lb. Life prescribes and also he limits their caloric intake to 1200 calories per day, which is a ka-ray-zee adjustment. But he must know what to do, he’s my new doctor expert. I figured I could start with restricting carbs, and doing some mindful calorie counting and see how that goes to the end of the month.

Seeing myself sideways in the mirror confirmed that decision today. I decided that was the time to get a weigh-in, since I was already naked, and so I scooched the scale away from the wall with my foot, took hold of the towel rack to get myself balanced, and pulled the towel rack right off the wall.

Like a giant Hulk would do.

And guess what else? This isn’t the first time I’ve put too much pressure on that poor towel rack and pulled it down. This is either the second or third time.

And guess what else? In the process of relying too heavily (get it??) on that towel rack, when it broke free from the wall, I crashed head-first into that wall. With my face.

A lovely lady lump appeared almost immediately.

So yep, I think it’s just reinforcing the decision to stop being so Hulkish, and stop eating so much damn cake, which hurts my feeling to even type those words, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

In summary, today I’ve tried to kill myself with not-correct medicines, and bash my own brains in. Inadvertently, Reader. I’ve got too good of a life to try it on purpose.

But yes. I need to review my life choices and how I’ve gotten here. I have a feeling a trail of sugar and butter is behind me.


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