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The Bang Bang Theories

No Bueno

My coma 30+ years ago jipped me, Reader.  Yes, you read that right. I was out for…oh, I don’t know, I wasn’t counting the days because coma, but when I finally awoke,  it was just back to business as usual, except now when I can’t remember stuff I blame it on the fact I had a dang head injury that was bad enough to put me in a coma.

So it was good for something, maybe, in that respect. Except I think it was just a medically induced coma, not an actual I-knocked-my-brains-out coma. Regardless of the type of coma, would it have been too much to ask that I could have also woken up speaking fluent Spanish? Because I love Mexican food. And foreign languages, Reader, simmer down, I was only joshing about the Mexican food, except I really do love it.

I had years of schooling, learning from Churros y Chocolate, and all it’s really been good for is ordering beers in Cozumel and declining to purchase any more future garage sale items whilst shit-shopping on vacation. Also – and this is a biggie-  I did have an immediate understanding of Bad Hombres without having to defer to Almighty Google.

I mean, I would even have taken something cute like waking up with a British accent, or even a Southern accent, but nope. Just the normal high-pitched squeaky voice, and the redimentary phrases I cobble together such as Mas Cervaza, por favor while on vacation.

I just don’t think it’s asking too much from a coma, to give you a little something more when you awake. It’s already stolen days from you. How about a second language, or at the very least a cute accent, is all I’m saying.

p.s. – I don’t take comas or head injuries or bug bites or infections or anything medical at all lightly. I’m just saying it would be nice that, if you’re suffering, couldn’t it maybe give something back. It’s not impossible, as we’ve learned from the news, so it shouldn’t be stingy with the treats to those who’ve suffered.

p.p.s. – I still feel like someone may take this not in the spirit it’s intended, so I hesitate to post it and am thinking of just deleting the whole damn thing in the event my “funny-hahaha-irreverent-humor” voice isn’t quite up to par, but fuck it. My blog, my head injury, I can mock what I want. If you don’t like it, well, I had a head injury and a coma. If you point it out to me, you’re sort of the asshole here.



One thought on “No Bueno

  1. Siento su dolor por su coma. Y mientras que no entiendo español, tengo y el aparato de Apple que hace.

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