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The Bang Bang Theories

Misery Loves Company

Below is The Cleanse, if you’re curious and would like to suffer along with me. I picked up enough stuff for the first three days of it, and need to get milk (or almond milk) for Day 4, and then I’ll need beef for Day 5. I also need potatoes, now that I think about it, and some stuff to make the vegetable soup. Shit. I guess I’m not as prepared as I’d thought I was after my $183 shopping extravaganza at Sam’s Club yesterday.

You know, I spent almost $100 on just the bare essentials – canned cat food, toilet paper, cat litter, and laundry detergent. I didn’t even buy paper towels, because they were $20 for the package and I figure I’ll get a smaller, cheaper package at the regular store. The $20 bills were just adding up quickly in my cart. I’m a terrible budget-er, meaning that I don’t really budget at all, and just spend until the money runs out. With that system the money sometimes runs out prior to payday, which creates a conundrum. I budgeted by holding off on paper towels and cat insulin. I’m pretty sure the insulin can stretch through til Tuesday. Suzy Orman may want to hire me for my fiscal savvy.
Here’s the plan, copied and pasted:

This plan can be used as often as you like without any fear of complications. It is designed to flush your system of impurities and give you a feeling of wellbeing. After seven days you will begin to feel lighter because you will be lighter by at least 10 lbs. You will have an abundance of energy and an improved disposition.

During the first seven days you must abstain from all alcohol
You must drink 10 glasses of water each day

Day One All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good.

Day One: Fruits ONLY, no bananas. Watermelon and cantaloupe highly recommended. Follow the recommendation. I do about 5 lbs each of watermelon and cantaloupe and maybe a serving of something else during the day. I chop it all up the day before and have it ready to go. You wake up, eat the melons till you are stuffed. When you feel hungry, eat more melon till you are stuffed. Repeat until you go to bed.

Day Two All vegetables. You are encouraged to eat until you are stuffed with all the raw or cooked vegetables of your choice. There is no limit on the amount or type. For your complex carbohydrate, you will start day two with a large baked potato for breakfast. You may top the potato with one pat of butter.

Day Two: Large baked potato for breakfast with a bit of oil or butter. Was anything else mentioned? I don’t think so. Take note of the “a bit” as well. I usually do two small ones because big ones are hard to find where I live. Vegetables ONLY all day. No bananas. Go ahead and have the stupid soup, it’s made from vegetables. I personally prefer raw veggies so I skip the soup for the whole diet except day 4 because it is specified. I also only do raw veggies on veggie days. That’s your choice. Two heads broccoli, two large cucumbers, 4 large carrots, half a lettuce and a few sticks of celery last time I did this. Yes cucumbers are veggies too believe it or not. I also try to stick to more green veggies. Eaten to feeling full every time I felt hungry.

Day Three A mixture of fruits and vegetables of your choice. Any amount, any quantity. No bananas yet. No potatoes today.

Day Three: Fruits AND Veggies ONLY, no bananas. This gets tricky: Day One + Day Two – Potato. If you have any questions go stand outside

Day Four Bananas and milk. Today you will eat as many as eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk. This will be combined with the special soup which may be eaten in limited quantities.

Day Four: 3 cups of milk, 8 bananas, and soup when you want. This is the easiest day. Wake up, have a cup of milk (that’s about 250mL) and a banana. Call that breakfast. Next time you feel hungry, have a banana. In fact, every time you feel hungry today, eat a banana. For lunch, have some of the soup, have a cup of milk, and if you are still hungry, have a banana. Do that until dinner, when you will have a cup of milk and some soup, and you guessed it… a banana. You probably won’t eat 8 bananas. You’ll probably go for the soup instead. Of course you can change the order of all of the above, but you ONLY drink 3 x 250mL of milk, and eat UP TO 8 bananas, and have some soup. That’s it!

Day Five Today is feast day. You will eat beef and tomatoes. Eat two 10 oz. portions of lean beef. Hamburger is OK. Combine this with six whole tomatoes. On day five you must increase your water intake by one quart. This is to cleanse your system of the uric acid you will be producing.
Day Five: ONLY beef (or suitable substitute) and 6 tomatoes. Just don’t eat more than 20oz of beef. And make sure it is lean and cooked. Stick in the oven, pan fry it, BBQ it. Who cares? Just cook it and eat it. And make sure you eat at least 6 tomatoes. Suck it up princess, this day is boring.

Day Six Beef and vegetables. Today you may eat an unlimited amount of beef and vegetables. Eat to your hearts content.

Day Six: ONLY beef and vegetables. Try this logic: Day 3 + Day 5 – Potatoes +(extra beef if you want and the veggies don’t have to be tomatoes). Any questions and you are on toilet duty.

Day Seven Today your food intake will consist of brown rice, fruit juices and all the vegetables you care to consume.

Day Seven: Brown rice, vegetables, pure fruit juice. ONLY. What part of that “pure” do you not understand. McD’s orange soda is not pure fruit juice. It’s actually not juice. That stuff that comes out of oranges when you squish them is juice. Fantastically the capitalist ideal of the division of labour has saved us all from squeezing balls to get juice so you can just go buy some in a box or jar or something. But you can make your own if you want.

Tomorrow morning you will be 10-17 lbs. lighter than one week ago. If you desire further weight loss, repeat the program again. You may repeat this program as often as you like, however, it is suggested that you are allowed two glasses of white wine in addition to the instructions on the program. You may substitute champagne for white wine. Under no circumstances are you to drink any other alcoholic beverages with the exception of beer which is allowed (someone who likes beer must have written this!). Any liquor (bourbon,vodka, rum) is forbidden. Cream drinks are especially forbidden. You may have an occasional cordial such as creme de menthe or schnapps, but you must always limit yourself to two drinks. If you wine, drink only wine that day. If you have beer, drink only beer that day, etc. Alcohol adds empty calories to your diet. However, after the first week it will help your digestion and settle your stomach.

G.M.’S Wonder Soup

The following soup is intended as a supplement to your diet. It can be eaten any time of the day in virtually unlimited quantities. You are encouraged to consume large quantities of this soup.

28 oz, Water, 6 Large Onions, 2 Green Peppers, Whole Tomatoes (fresh or canned), 1 Head Cabbage, 1 Bunch Celery, 4 Envelopes Lipton Onion Soup Mix, Herbs and Flavouring as desired.

Additional Comments

Vegetables as may be taken in the form of a salad if desired. No dressing except malt, white or wine vinegar, squeezed lemon, garlic, herbs. No more than one tea spoon of oil.
You have been given a recipe for the WONDER SOUP which can be eaten in unlimited quantities. This soup is a supplement while you are on the program and it should be a pleasure to eat. Not everyone likes cabbage, green peppers, celery etc. This recipe is not inflexible. You may substitute vegetables according to your taste. You may add any vegetables you like: asparagus, peas, corn, turnips, green beans, cauliflower, etc. Try to stay away from beans (lima, pinto, kidney, etc.), however, because they tend to be high in calories even though they are very good for you.

Beverages you may consume while on the program :
1. Water (flavoured with lemon/lime if desired).
2. Club Soda is OK.
3. Black Coffee. No cream or cream substitute. No sugar or sweetness.
4. Black Tea = Herb or Leaf.
5. Absolutely nothing else except the fruit juices which are part of day seven. No fruit juices before day seven.

How and Why It Works

Day One you are preparing your system for the upcoming program. Your only source of nutrition is fresh or canned fruits. Fruits are nature’s perfect food. They provide everything you could possibly want to sustain life except total balance and variety.

Day Three eliminates the potato because you get your carbohydrates from the fruits. You system is now prepared to start burning excess pounds. You will still have cravings which should start to diminish by day four.

Day Four, bananas, milk and soup sound the strangest and least desirable. You’re in for a surprise. You probably will not eat all the bananas allowed. But they are there for the potassium you have lost and the sodium you may have missed the past three days. You will notice a definite loss of desire for sweets. You will be surprised how easy this day will go.

Day Five, Beef and tomatoes. The beef is for iron and proteins, the tomatoes are for digestion and fibre. Lots and lots of water purifies your system. You should notice colorless urine today. Your allowance calls for the equivalent of five “quarter ponders”. Do not feel you have to eat all this beef. You must eat the six tomatoes.

Day Six is similar to day five, Iron and proteins from beef, Vitamins and fibre from vegetables. By now your system is in a total weight loss inclination. There should be a noticeable difference in the way you look today, compared to day one.

Day Seven finished off the program like a good cigar used to finish off Victorian meals, except much healthier. You have your system under control and it should thank you for the flushing and cleaning you just gave it.


1. Beef. You are vegetarian. Then use your usual beef substitute. That is not chicken. Use your brain.
2. Seasonings, cooking methods, etc etc. Did the diet say to put on some seasoning besides “malt, white or wine vinegar, squeezed lemon, garlic, herbs”? And “No more than one tea spoon of oil.”? I think those quotation marks answer your question about seasonings. Cooking: raw is better for you than cooked and that is fact; but it doesn’t say not to cook, so cook away.
3. When to eat the soup. Day 4 is one day that you eat it. The soup is made from vegetables. I’d assume it is safe to say you can go for it on any day you can eat vegetables, in addition to day 4. I’d lay off the onion mix, but that’s just me. Not a big fan of chemicals.
4. How much weight you will lose. It depends. Don’t be too optimistic if you aren’t obese. This is a hard reset on your system and you will “feel” some results. When you are finished, don’t go straight back to McD. Embrace the good habits you just developed. You certainly won’t gain much weight on this diet.
5. Drinks and alcohol. White wine and beer is ok, BUT think for a second! You are trying to lose weight. Do you think wine and beer will help? If not, don’t drink. Coffee and tea are taken plain. Green tea is better than black tea. Water can be spiked with citrus only on fruit days. You really don’t have many options here.

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