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The Bang Bang Theories

Size DOES Matter.

I never before realized the importance of reading about vacuum cleaner cord length when making a purchase until I bought a vacuum cleaner with a cord that stops short.

Bissell, no less. Shame on you, Brand Name.

I didn’t know that was something I had to read and process on the box before making my selection, but apparently it is something to note.

Now, a little bit of history about the vacuum cleaners that have come and gone in this house. They tend to commit suicide when they live here. They just don’t last long. So we have gone through a lot of them.

Kenny actually killed a Dyson before I moved in, and when it stopped working he just set it out on the treelawn, without trying to resurrect it. A DYSON, Reader. He didn’t understand the value of the Dyson, he didn’t know it was the Mac-Daddy of the Vacuum Cleaner World and perhaps worth a second chance at life.

I own(ed) a very good vacuum, a Simplicity, that I paid over $600 for back in the day, and that was after my ex-husband did a lot of extensive vacuum-cleaner-purchasing research to narrow it down to the Simplicity. He may have poor moral integrity, but he was an excellent product researcher. Me? I’m much more impulsive and will just buy whatever strikes my fancy. Mr. M recently noted about me, “You’ve always lacked impulse control.” That’s a fair statement.

But anyway, back to the exciting world of my vacuum cleaner. I lost my Simplicity when I stored it in my brothers attic area, and since then he has gone bat-shit crazy and I have no hope of reclaiming any of the items I had there.

I learned a few good lessons when I got divorced about storing things at other people’s houses: No matter how much people may insist it’s no problem at the time, things happen and it just never simply works out well. Eventually it’s a problem, and like now, I ended up losing my belongings. But prior to my brother going bat-shit, I had lost a lot of my items because I’m fairly certain my (ex) sister-in-law took some of my things and sold them (Coach purse collection), because one time when I was there looking for something, I noticed that not all my things were there.

Like I said, Lessons Learned.

Apparently I didn’t need all the stuff I had shoved in his attic or I would have brought it all with me. Right? In my mind I’ve just pretended it all went up in a house fire, because basically it’s the same thing.

And that, Reader, is just a little snippet into my exciting family life that I rarely mention. Because they are karazy. Now I seem more sane, don’t I??

If I’m a little impulsive, so what? It’s all relative (get it, Murd? that one’s for you!).

But anyway, once AGAIN back to the exciting world of vacuum cleaners.

When I moved into my charming home with Kenny, he didn’t even own a vacuum, he borrowed from downstairs. Which is ridiculous. But he felt he’d killed enough of them, and would just borrow one as needed. That statement also provides a glimpse into his housekeeping skills when I moved in, too. Because it really has to be some hot-mess to warrant a trip up and down stairs to borrow a vacuum, and not so much an everyday use kind of thing. But I’m not here to judge (hahaha, of course I am, I judge everything, Reader!).

I figured Kenny just didn’t know how to properly operate a vacuum and we went out and bought an average-priced cleaner. In the $200 range. Not top-of-the-line, just your basic-business cleaner. Eureka or Hoover or something. At that time I could have gone and picked up my Simplicity, but I was a little hesitant to do so after hearing this house killed a Dyson. I figured I’d keep it over there for safekeeping. That was a bad decision, in retrospect, as it may still work, but not for me.

It didn’t take long for the new vacuum to blow up.

So we bought another one.

And it, too, blew up.

I began to realize that Kenny wasn’t exaggerating: This house DOES kill vacuums.

But with a couple of kittens (see how I downplayed the number here?) romping around the house, and the litter pan kicking up dust in a back room instead of a basement, it’s necessary to own a vacuum.

After several more purchases, I finally said, “Fuck it!” and bought the cheapest-of-the -cheap at The Wal*Mart. Forty bucks. Limited filters.

And realized that maybe those fancy vacuums with all those filters can’t handle the dust/cat-hair this house generates and they clog up and die. Because that $40 vacuum? Lasted about 3 years.

It recently died this past December. So we hightailed it back to The Wal*Mart and bought another $40 Bissell vacuum cleaner. I had looked at the slightly upgraded model, it was about $70, but then reminded myself that the cheapest thing out there lasted longer than any others, why fuck with a winner.

The first time I went to vacuum the house I realized they took a shortcut with this model. And lopped off at least 2 feet of cord. Because this vacuum? I can’t even vacuum the length of the living room without plugging it into 2 different outlets. And I live in a smallish 2-bedroom (I’ve been told that this place is actually 1100 square feet, which really isn’t that small for a 2-bedroom). But it’s small enough that I should be able to vacuum the entire living room from one outlet location, right?

I’m disgruntled.

Oh, to be fair it is a different model than the one that recently broke – we opted for the bagless version this time. I didn’t realize then that I needed to note the cord length. Now I know.

So really, Bissell taught me a little math lesson. I guess I should be thankful for the free education. Perhaps in the owner’s manual they could include a little passage of clever curse phrases, to keep it fresh every time the plug comes undone when I go from one end of the room to the other. Because I’ve exhausted all my favorites.

One thought on “Size DOES Matter.

  1. I too have issues with vacuum cleaners – I blame the cats. But my stand-up ShopVac was the bomb until it met it's untimely demise at the hands of an evil filter bag changer who shall remain nameless. I never changed the bag and it worked just fine for years!

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