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The Bang Bang Theories

I Need a Wife

Standing in my kitchen, looking around for something to eat for lunch/first meal of the day, a jangle of thoughts running through my mind:

Opens refrigerator:

“I could cook some kale, eh, no, or there’s some lunchmeat – wait, that’s probably not good anymore, maybe a swig of orange juice (lifts jug to lips, take swig, returns jug to spot on fridge door), huh, I guess I could make some cereal with half & half since we’re out of milk, wait, that would be gross. I wish we had eggs.”

Shuts refrigerator. Opens freezer door:

“I could heat up that bag of green beans, nah, oh, there’s some sausage things, nah, there’s 5, I only want 1. What about those Trader Joe’s waffles? Eh, they were cardboardy. Nothing. I wish I still had corndogs.”

Shuts freezer, turns and examines shelf:

“Crackers. No, that sounds a little dry. Instant oatmeal. Hm…that could be a contender. Bag of chocolate chips? Nah, I need some sort of nutrition, for cryin’ out loud! Really, we have NOTHING TO EAT IN THIS HOUSE. Wait. There’s that bottle of Barbados rum. That’s really good. Maybe I’ll just sit around the living room and drink rum today.”

Turned and stomped out of the worthless kitchen.

In the end, I opted for 2 pieces of toast made with questionable bread. I figured the heat from the toaster would kill whatever bacterias were thinking about forming. I made it into a meal with a schmear of peanut butter and a top coat of Nutella. All-in-all, not bad, but we REALLY need to go to the grocery store. Things are dire.

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