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The Bang Bang Theories

If It’s Not Cat Ass Cancer, It’s My Back.

Hobbled into the office today. Parked in visitors, up by the door. Called Security to alert them to my car not really being a visitor, but don’t faux-ticket me as I need the help this week.

They brought me down a handicapped parking pass. I felt embarrassed, and then indigent, and wanted the pass to say “Differently-Abled“. But I’ll be using it, no matter what it says on it.

Then? It didn’t get any better as the day wore on. I only really got out of my chair once today, to go to the restroom. And rest I did. Twice on the way there, twice on the way back. I counted, it was a hundred paces each way.

I don’t have a hundred uninterrupted paces in me.

Went and picked up a cane from The Hoff tonight. As she so politely put it, “sometimes we all need a little extra help.” And she said it with such genuine dignity, it made me puddle up a little bit, because that was my harsh German Hoff being gentle and she doesn’t do gentle. I heart her. When I am better I shall do something kind for her.

So now I have a Mr. Peanut cane and a handicapped parking permit. Do I get any sexier??

Apparently not, because My Mister was eager to get a little of this since he returned home from his little trip. He has no standards.

I asked my chiropractor if this was a normal level of pain, he said that I’m in the 20% of his clients who are in exceptional pain. I’m not alone, but we’re in our own special little segment. He said I have six pinched nerves. Those mothers hurt, let me assure you.

Calling Dr. one more time tomorrow to order up a steroid, not this non-steriod shit he’s been prescribing which isn’t doing a lick of good. Chiro told me that if he orders this one thing, I’ll be markedly improved within two days. I need that, I’ve done the (im)patiently wait thing. Next step for me is a motorized wheelchair (don’t laugh, Kenny’s mom has one, we’ve dubbed it “OlIronsides.”

Before I’m scooting around in OlIronsides later this week, something has to change.
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