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The Bang Bang Theories

Death by Bayonet

I thought this would be the weekend I made up for lost blogging, but that didn’t turn out to be the case. I’m going to lose my one lone reader if I don’t come up with something to type here. I’m just not in the mood. Here’s a few minor things, but I think you already know this, Reader.

1/ My friend had to put his dog to sleep last week. I watched that dog when he was an 85 lb., 6 month old puppy and it was an experience like no other. I only knew you personally (ahem. very personally, as you stuck your nose up my snatch and butt every morning, Mojo) for a short couple of weeks, but you made quite an impact. RIP, Mojo.

2/ On to other sick pets. Stanley is STILL hanging in there. He stops eating for a day, we feed him a concoction of shit I whip up in my Vitamix, feed him with a dropper and by the next day he’s voraciously eating again. He’s eaten really well since Friday night, and is perky and getting along just fine as a result.

3/ Shit leaks out of Stanley’s ass. This hasn’t been such good news. We just enjoyed a team-effort of cleaning the carpet with the Bissel Little Green Clean Machine, and surprisingly got it looking respectable around here. And sadly, I’m surprised at my level of tolerance for living with a few poop drops around the place. Just a couple little spots? No problem, we’ll get to it when a few more show up. And that, Reader, is why I’m not inviting you over for a dinner party. You’re welcome.

4/ I’ve had a pain in my abdomen, something in the area between my belly button and vagina. In there. That was Friday, and lasted til Sunday. This morning it seems to have travelled around and settled in my back, above my asscheeks. I’m not sure if it’s backpain or intestines or what. I tried to visit an urgent care today, but guess what? Your urgent cares can only be addressed during their limited weekend hours. So suck it, sick people. Get over it. So here I sit, trying to get over it, but I’m not sure if I’m dying or what. The only thing I know for sure is that I am sick of being in some sort of chronic pain. I walk around hunched over like an old lady, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Sidenote: When I typed the word “vagina” into my iPhone (don’t ask why), it autocorrected it to “bayonet”. What does my iPhone know about my vagina that it’s not telling me??

That’s it. I’ve got to go and get something ready to wear to work. While I’d like to go to the Urgent Care tomorrow, I need to fit that in around my workday. I’m very important tomorrow and have a lot of things that I need to do.

Goodnight Reader. At some point I’ll have more thrilling things to share. I think.
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