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The Bang Bang Theories

By The Number

Braved the Mall today.  Had to. It’s a long back story, but in a nutshell, when I moved in with Kenny I threw out his most-disgusting bed pillow and he hasn’t had a decent nights sleep since. I’ve been on a quest to find The Perfect Pillow, FAR Better Than That Disgusting Thing You Were Resting Your Head Upon for the past four years for him. To no avail.

Last month I wandered into the Sleep Number store and ended up with two new pillows for both of us. Some sort of pillow shell thing that you can put a pillow insert into, and find your “perfect sleep number pillow” or whatever. Well, I had purchased those foam things for the insert part and they STUNK. Literally. That foam shit is highly overrated – why would anyone want something underneath their nose that stinks so badly??  “It’s the chemicals,” the sales people… er.. Sleep Professionals! told me. No shit.

Well, I had to get these exchanged today, was the last day to do so. It had to be an exchange, not a refund, and it’s rather difficult to find something that costs less than a bajillion dollars at the Sleep Number store. I did exchange them for a new, stinkless and less firm insert for Kenny’s pillow, and a reading pillow for myself. They kindly put the remaining $27 as a credit back on my card, ’cause there was nothing left to buy.

Came home, tried out the new pillow insert and he still hated it. Heads too high. WTF. So Kenny finally had enough and gutted his old pillow, pulled out the stuffing, and “stuffed” the expensive Sleep Number shell thingamajig to the perfect density and now he is happy. For the moment. And Stanley the cat is happy, because he now has a Sleep Number insert pillow-cased up for his comfort next to me on the recliner.

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