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The Bang Bang Theories

January: We Get It Already. You Win.

Mid-January. What more is there to say. It’s cold, everyone knows that, there’s nothing new to even say about it. My house is toasty, though, despite the wind trying to push it’s way in, lifting the plastic barrier off the window frames where ever it detects a weak spot in the tape. I’ve had to battle back, using layers of clear packing tape against some of the more forgiving edges, which seems to be taking pity on the Cold and letting it Come in, come on inside. No way, Pal. You’re staying out. My most forgiving window is the one near my bed. Now the bedroom is a small room, with a king-sized bed, so when I say “near my bed”, I mean a body width away from my bed. No wonder I’m always battling a cold of some sort.

The draft isn’t the only force I battle with that window. It’s just compounded upon in the winter, when the wind bows the plastic barrier out as far as it can stretch. That exasperates the problem I have with Grouchy Neighbor Stanley’s ballpark lighting he has attached to his garage, which stays on all night long, every night, and shines directly into my bedroom window. It’s my Kenny Rogers Roasters cross-eyed bear (get it??) that I’ve been contending with for three years now (or more, whatever, I’ve lost track as to how long I’ve lived here). Yes, I’ve been just dealing with the light, first battling it with room-darkening shades, which can’t keep all the penetration at bay (that sounds so dirty!). They do an okay job for the most part, but in the winter, with the plastic up, the wind pushes the plastic out, which pushes the shades out from the frame, and leaves a good four-inch gap for the light to Shine On In right over my face all night long. In sheer frustration one night I used the plastic packing tape to tape the curtain (well, it’s more like a roman shade or something) to the wall to keep the light sealed out. It worked for a while, but then the Wind won again. My next step will be inspired by Elvis, and I will put aluminum foil up on the window. Gad, how Hillbilly funny would that be!

I’ve thought of shooting out the light. Or throwing rocks at it. But haven’t done any of that, Kenny seems to think it deters vandals from creeping ’round our stuff, which is probably true. So I suffer and paint scenarios late at night as to the most fitting demise of that light. Oh, in the summer it’s just as bad, too. As I can shut most of the light out of the room, if the windows are open I get to enjoy the incessantly loud buzzzzzzzzzz the light makes All Night Long. Buzzzzzzzz….yeah, try to sleep through that. Yeah, another tale of the woes I endure in the name of Cheap Housing. When I do move from here, it will only have to have a few pedestrian conveniences to feel palatial since my expectations are so low.

Buzzing off to go and Accomplish Things….something of more interest later, I hope!

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