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The Bang Bang Theories

Drafty Cracks

Old Man Winter, he don’t play. He has rolled into town and whipped our asses. At least mine. I thought the little bit of snow and cold earlier in the week was just a little bit of messin‘ with ya, but nope – woke up Friday morning to Pure Winter Business. Fuck. I got reacquainted with scrapping snow off my car, cursing all the while. Going on four years of it, I should be used to it by now, but I don’t think I will ever make my peace with snow up my snatch at 7:30 a.m.

On top of all that, I hadn’t even saran-wrapped the windows yet – but I remified (a made-up word, that) the situation with an after-work trip to Wal*Mart where I purchased the weather stripping and plastic. I’ve been a busy mo’fucka all night. I wrapped up the two big pneumonia-holes in the living room so far, still have the bedrooms and kitchen to do, but I need to pace myself. I also assembled a lamp I purchased for the living room. I needed a floor lamp to go next to my new recliner so my 42-year-old eyes can have better lighting for ease of reading. Now that I’ve got the Best Chair Ever, I can actually sit in the living room and read. I’ll be so much smarter as a result, I’m sure.

Now that I’m all set up for reading, I’m watching t.v. instead. But. It’s that all-alluring, irresistable Supernanny Jo. I am attracted to her, moley face and all. I think she’s losing weight. Her pants aren’t up her ass the way they normally are. She’s even more irresistible.

While at Wal*Mart, I purchased a new pillow for Kenny. He’s had the worst pillow situation since I moved in and threw his pillow out when he wasn’t paying attention. It just looked disturbing, it had seen better days, but he liked it. When did that ever matter, though. I thought I could sneak a new one in without him noticing. But I didn’t, and for the last three years he’s been pillow-uphappy, and we periodically try new ones for him. His last one cost $2.50. It lasted quite a while, but eventually did what all of his pillows do – assumed a sausage-like shape. I don’t know what he does or how he sleeps, but they all become a humped up tube, all lumpy and uncomfortable. I ponied up and spend $20 for his new one, it has potential. I’d feel worse, but I bought us each new $90 Down pillows when I threw his other one out, and he just doesn’t like it. It’s the reason the cat has a $90 pillow to call his own at night. Someone might as well use it.

Alright, I’m off to give Supernanny my undivided attention. She beckons me.

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