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The Bang Bang Theories

Rewired

Remember that time two weeks ago when I got all high and preachy and said I was going to start a 12-week yoga plan and also go on keto and basically change my entire life in one fell swoop?

Most of that didn’t happen.

Keto is just hard, ya’ll.  Yes, it made me go southern, I guess because basically I love biscuits more than I love being skinny, is the bottom line.

I think I lasted three days, and probably not all in a row, because I LOVE PINEAPPLE AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF I GIVE IT UP, KETO!

Yes, I got all shouty just now. I apologize. ~straightens skirt, clears throat~

LOL, I made myself laugh that I straightened my skirt, because we both know, Reader, I’m sitting around in my pajamas per always.

Anyway. That Keto Thing. I can see how some changes along those lines are beneficial, as in less breads and cakes and such. So I’m making some of those decisions and just saying no. But I’m saying yes to a normal amount of fruits and whatever dang vegetables seem like a good decision, because I don’t want scurvy, so there, Keto.

I know there are a good handful of you out there who say yes to the Keto, and thinks it’s easy, and you’re a stronger will than me and maybe you’re also vampires or superheros, Reader, because I like sweet potatoes and popcorn and don’t want to quit them.

So that was that.

But! On the flip side of that health coin, I’ve been sticking to my little yoga routine. And while those moves may look simple, let me assure you they are fierce. At least on this stiff ol’ body.

It has been a bit of a ….. the word?? I don’t have the word…but it’s well, it’s a struggle to fight against my inherent laziness who would rather just lay about and watch the tv.

But I’ve been fighting the lazy pull to quit and getting up and doing it instead, and I’m happy to say that while I’ve completed 10 days, I am not to the point where I’m suddenly a Nimble Nelly, but I think I may have found some grace.

Not grace in any of my moves; those are all herky jerky and I literally have to muscle myself into them and still use a bed post to help myself balance.

But I’ve found grace in not motherfucking myself while doing the moves.

My internal dialogue was really mean to me.  It was all cussy and disappointed in every single thing I am not able to do, which is mostly all of it except lying on the floor.

Yesterday I found myself saying nice things to my non-bendy knees, when they were doing the best then can. And my entire right side that is sort of froze up on reaching for the sky.  My neck that doesn’t bend easily to the left.

But nice words started talking to me, all out of the blue.  “We’ll get there – we will.  Imagine us one year from now if we just stay steady.” And I literally had no conscious thought to tell myself gentler things. It just happened, and I felt lifted and at ease with myself and I have to say, that feeling carried over all in to today.

Tonight when I did my routine I never once even thought of saying mean things to me.  It was calm and just at ease with doing what I could do.

Maybe that won’t keep up.

Maybe it will.

I just know that today, right now, I’m really liking what we’re doing for me.

It Seems More Fun on Paper

I know I told you this wouldn’t become some high road diet blog, wherein I become An Influencer and talk talk talk-ety talk about my new fantabulous lifestyle, yet here we are.

Day 2.

I’ve been super really almost-can’t-stand-it wanting something sweet in my yaw*.  I’m eating a scrambled egg with fresh mushrooms right now because I sort of skipped dinner, so now this is officially dinner.

*until right now I thought “yaw” was a fun slang word for ‘mouth’ but it doesn’t seem to be, except I think it should be, so I’m committing to it. 

I asked Almighty Google what is a more healthful substitute for sugary goodness that is also low carbs because carbs are my sworn enemy right now, and this is what Almighty Google delivered:

And all I can say is No, Google, I do not think that broccoli is an adequate CAKE substitute. Not if it were deep-fried and covered in chocolate sauce. Vile weed.

I’m almost offended on behalf of cake.

In other news of today, I decided that right now was when I was beginning a 12-week yoga challenge, let’s be clear, it is the simplest, most basic stretchy stuff that anyone should be able to do.

And yet.

I found it quite difficult.

I went through the round of poses, but again, let me be clear: I’m CERTAIN none of my positions looked like these positions. That #7?? Really? I mean. Come on. I had to pull over a chair to balance myself a little and then bend backwards WHILE HOLDING ON THE CHAIR – not my feet behind me.

I made myself a little graph and colored in my day and that is what I shall do every. single. day. for twelve damn weeks, no excuses unless something tragic happens to my body in the meantime, because this little routine can be done anywhere, as long as there’s a chair nearby.

It will be interesting to see if I in fact get more bendy along the way, or if it’s just all too late.

And that’s where we are tonight, Reader. Skeptically optimistic.

 

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